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Iran crisis: Fresh hopes for peace as Trump abandons New Year’s resolutions

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Experts suggest the outbreak of World War 3 could be delayed long enough to get Brexit done if Donald Trump can be kept away from the big red button until after Quitters’ Day.

Hopes were raised for a peaceful resolution to the Iran crisis yesterday after President Trump spent over an hour on the phone attempting to cancel a gym membership he signed up for only last week. 

Despite a 14 day cooling off period, White House phone logs show that even the most powerful man in the world will be paying $59.99 a month to David Lloyd for the foreseeable future. 

Noting that Mr Trump has also stopped using the Nutribullet that his daughter Ivanka gave him for Christmas, a leading military think tank claims there is renewed hope for a de-escalation of tensions between America and Iran.

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“January the 13th has long been recognised as Quitters’ Day, the day when everyone gives up on their New Year’s resolutions,” explained Retired Colonel George Fishlove-Smyth. 

“For the man on the street, Quitters’ Day is that first day of the year where you say to yourself ‘maybe I’ll just skip the gym tonight’ or ‘well I didn’t drink last week, so I deserve a beer to celebrate my achievement ’. 

“The President has clearly resolved to start World War 3 in 2020, so we just need to distract him until after Quitters’ Day when I predict he’ll abandon his New Year’s resolutions just like everybody else.” 

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