The “All Long-Bailey” dream ticket should see Labour basking in electoral success sometime in the early 2040s at the latest, claim supporters.
Labour MPs, members and activists not adversely affected by the worst excesses of a fourth Conservative election win in a row, or overly concerned with the idea of putting up a credible opposition post-Brexit, welcomed Rebecca Long-Bailey’s red jacket and glasses throwing a matching red hat into the ring for the deputy leadership race yesterday.
According to party insiders, there was some discussion amongst apparatchiks of the left whether the ticket should be switched in favour of Long-Bailey’s garment and eyewear running for leader. However, it was felt that Rebecca herself was more amenable to being the Corbyn approved continuity candidate and thus not telling adviser Seamus Milne to get bent.
“There's a perception that Long-Bailey’s red jacket and glasses might exercise too much agency and should therefore concentrate instead on being deputy,’’ a senior Labour figure told us.
With the deputy leadership race expected to be fiercely contested the jacket and glasses alliance will have to see off challenges from Keir Starmer’s hair, Richard Burgon’s nasally whine and the ghostly apparition of Michael Foot’s walking stick before filling the recently vacated plimsoles of Tom ‘Two Gym Memberships’ Watson.
Asked if the deputy leadership position would still be subject to some kind of review to determine whether the post should be shared between two shadow frontbenchers rather than held by one individual's trademark attire, our source revealed that the review was never seriously mooted.
“The memory of any Labour party representative appearing to discuss the ‘two deputies’ idea on ITV’s Peston was probably a fever dream of Blairites,” she explained.
“Any footage to the contrary was destroyed by Tom Bradby spilling a grande fair-trade organic latte in an ITN editing suite. Plus, Tom Watson f***ed off of his own accord.”
As Labour looks toward reflecting upon its collective navel in the New Year, further revelations of red-on-red fighting have emerged over the festive period.
Camden Momentum accused Owen Jones of ‘cultural inappropriateness’ after the Guardian journalist sponsored and compered an evening’s entertainment and dinner in their branch office in the run up to the December general election.
Conceived by Jones, as an exercise in helping London-centric-twenty-somethings to acclimatise to voters based in the midlands and the north, the event ran into controversy with Camdenite Momentumists when blue comics and a Northern petting zoo – the latter involved handling whippets and pigeons – were the hors d’oeuvres ahead of a main course of pie and mash.