A commission reviewing the Labour Party’s latest and greatest election defeat say the next party leader needs to address the concerns of real people by appearing on more TV panel shows.
Labour Forever, which describes itself as being very different from rival group Labour Together, was set up to identify which faction of the party was to blame for its fourth epic defeat in consecutive general elections.
Jeremy Corbyn’s beard, Brexit, and voters missing the polls to attend the premiere of the latest BBC Breakfast blockbuster, The Rise of Danwalker, have all been ruled out, explained Labour Forever spokesman Eric Towpath.
“After a period of concentrated navel-gazing, conducted in a delightful vegan bistro in Islington, we have concluded that Labour’s failure to secure victory for the working people of Britain cannot be pinned on Jeremy’s beard.
“Additionally, on reflection, the Tory’s mantra of ‘Get Brexit Done’ was somewhat more accessible than Jeremy’s, ‘Vote for us now and then when we are in power we’ll see how you lot all feel about Brexit and then may or may not offer leadership on the matter, while still respecting the result of the 2016 referendum, subject to the adequate protection of workers rights, controls on free movement and tariff-free trade etc.’
“But that does not tell the whole story.”
“We were rejected on doorsteps, not because the people we claimed to be fighting for could not relate our Argos catalogue manifesto to their Amazon Prime lives, but because the BBC did not invite Jeremy to host Have I Got News for You, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, or even Gardeners’ World.”
“We can’t expect to continue to win the argument against the prime minister on Marr or Question Time alone,” says Mr Towpath, “In fact, I’ve already booked Diane Abbott for Countdown and Emily Thornberry for Pointless.”