Professional stage dad Stanley Johnson has announced the launch of Strange Allure, a new fragrance, that he says marks the beginning of his son's commercial portfolio.
“While Boris’ stock is riding high, the seasonal rush to buy scent represents a great commercial opportunity,” claimed Johnson senior as he laid out plans to take Brand Boris forward in the wake of his son’s freshly secured majority and return to Number 10.
“He’s had considerable overseas investment and interference – no, sorry ‘help’ – in realising his commercial potential and this new fragrance should set a benchmark for future projects”.
The Eau de Parfum has a potent top note blend of Rioja and chicken jalfrezi, with not-so-subtle heart and bass notes of mendacity, hubris and moonshine.
A scripted treatment for an artfully shot television advertising campaign features prime minister Johnson awaking from the party from the night before amidst a scene of Conservative decadence.
James Cleverley is passed out lying face down on a rug surrounded by discarded pizza boxes, while Dilyn the dog stares intensely at a similarly unconscious Michael Gove clutching a half drunk bottle of WKD Blue.
Mark Francois is in a state of undress with his best thermal vest resembling one of Sir Les Patterson’s soiled ties.
Surveying this scene of carnage Johnson’s voice intones over the soundtrack, “I’ve got to get away. I’ve got to leave this place”.
Cutting to the next scene, we see a track-suited Johnson cycle down a country lane flanked by security forces on motorbikes.
Dismounting at a stretch of ditch, Boris buries a number of copies of the 2019 Conservative manifesto alongside a bag marked “professional and personal promises”.
The last sequence sees a suited-and-booted Boris Johnson striding down the corridors of power but, crucially, still retaining the look of blonde dishevelment he’s made his own while the voice-over whispers, “Success without integrity......I can live with that……and so can you, it seems”.
Stanley Johnson also suggested that a Western film script drawing on Greek mythology Boris has been working on and off on for the last three years – A Trojan Horse Called Brexit – may soon be in pre-production.