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Somerset earthquake proves Tories are preparing to sell Devon and Cornwall, say locals

Tinfoil Hat Man

A local man claims a 3.2 magnitude earthquake that shook the west of England is evidence that the Conservative party are planning to sell Devon and Cornwall to Donald Trump after Brexit.

The quake’s epicentre was recorded near Bridgwater in Somerset, which until today was most famous for the motorway services that share its name. 

One resident reported, “the last time the town rocked that much was when the Wurzels played up at the leisure centre back in 1979.”

However, not everyone is as keen to associate what is already being called “the big shake of 2019” with such happy times. 

George Fishlove, who runs a sustainable tinfoil hat recycling facility in the nearby picturesque village of Cheddar, says he suspects a more sinister explanation for his bed shaking.

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“It’z them London types, theyz be plantin’ dynamite along the border with Devon an’ blastin’ away in the night”, we think he said. 

“Theyz be plottin’ to flog that Devon lot an’ that Cornwall lot to that there Donald Trump or som’ing I s’pect.” 

Mr Fishlove says he saw local MP Jacob Rees-Mogg surveying fields along the Devon Somerset border, although he admits he has no evidence that the parliamentarian was engaged in activities related to the separation of the southwestern counties. 

“I saw him. He was like that there ghost of Christmas past, out in them fields worryin’ they sheep and whatnot,” he said while staring into the middle distance, before abruptly adding, “Makes sense though don’t it. Them Devon boys aren’t too smart, best shot of them I says.” 

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