A local man claims a 3.2 magnitude earthquake that shook the west of England is evidence that the Conservative party are planning to sell Devon and Cornwall to Donald Trump after Brexit.
The quake’s epicentre was recorded near Bridgwater in Somerset, which until today was most famous for the motorway services that share its name.
One resident reported, “the last time the town rocked that much was when the Wurzels played up at the leisure centre back in 1979.”
However, not everyone is as keen to associate what is already being called “the big shake of 2019” with such happy times.
George Fishlove, who runs a sustainable tinfoil hat recycling facility in the nearby picturesque village of Cheddar, says he suspects a more sinister explanation for his bed shaking.
“It’z them London types, theyz be plantin’ dynamite along the border with Devon an’ blastin’ away in the night”, we think he said.
“Theyz be plottin’ to flog that Devon lot an’ that Cornwall lot to that there
Donald Trump or som’ing I s’pect.”
Mr Fishlove says he saw local MP
Jacob Rees-Mogg surveying fields along the Devon Somerset border, although he admits he has no evidence that the parliamentarian was engaged in activities related to the separation of the southwestern counties.
“I saw him. He was like that there ghost of Christmas past, out in them fields worryin’ they sheep and whatnot,” he said while staring into the middle distance, before abruptly adding, “Makes sense though don’t it. Them Devon boys aren’t too smart, best shot of them I says.”
Outlining plans for the first 100 days of his new administration, Boris Johnson has promised to get Brexit done, cut taxes for hard-working families, and open a new school every day until Easter.
Mr Johnson says two new hospitals will be built on every street corner and will be paid for using money the Treasury received from successful PPI claims the Chancellor made earlier this year.
Nursing numbers are set to double under a bold initiative to clone existing
NHS nurses while rising gang crime will be tackled as, former Minister for Transport, Chris Grayling heads up what the Tory inner circle are calling the RoboChris programme.
Middle-class families will receive a windfall as the PM promises to revive a pledge, made during his
campaign for leadership of the Conservative party, to provide free buses to all higher rate taxpayers.
HS2 will be extended to
run along the length of the Irish border and HS3, linking Walford and Weatherfield, will also get the green light.
A scheme to pave the streets with gold will see potholes across the country become a thing of the past and carbon emissions will be halved as chariots pulled by unicorns replace cars.
Opposition parties have been quick to condemn the Conservative’s plans as pure fantasy.
Lib Dem leader
Jo Swinson claimed it was more likely that she’d be picking out new curtains in Number 10 next week than a single new nurse would be successfully cloned before March 2020. Jeremy Corbyn said that replacing cars with unicorns was “utter nonsense” and suggested that Labour’s plan to put a teleporter in every home was the only way to fight climate change and reduce carbon emissions.