Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has announced that his party will provide a device capable of teleporting matter across the universe to every UK home within 10 years, if elected on December 12th.
The move follows the “cyberwar” that has erupted between the two main parties, with the Labour Party promising “super-fast broadband for all” and the Conservatives pledging “a super-fast internet connection for all” by 2025.
Speaking to a conference of local businesses in Hull, Mr Corbyn said that a new Labour Government, but not that sort of New Labour Government, would provide all households in the UK with a device that would allow them to navigate across Time and Space in seconds.
“The daily commute for UK workers will be a thing of the past,” he told delegates, “only a Labour government will take on the corporations and multinationals that are stopping teleportation from being affordable and available for all.”
In response, Boris Johnson promised to put the entire country on a new, more technologically advanced planet by October 31st 2035. “Don’t listen to the doomsters, gloomsters or physicists,” he said, “if we are determined to do this, then you have my word it will happen, just like Brexit.”
Not to be outdone, and desperate for a few seconds coverage on the six o’clock news, Liberal Democrat leader, Jo Swinson, announced a plan to replace all current notions of science with entirely new concepts.
“The last Liberal Government, in 1915, paved the way for all of the scientific advances made in the century that followed,” she explained to party activists in Richmond, “if we are returned to Government in December, we will stop all current technology and replace it with a new set of theories that will make the Internet seem like a stone-age tool.”
“Unless we find ourselves in a coalition government,” she added, “in that case, we’ll do what we are told like last time.”
Meanwhile, the Green party outlined a plan for all households in Britain to have a drawing of a computer on recyclable paper by 2047, while the Brexit party have promised its subscribers a British built computer, using British parts, and serving exclusively British websites for only £999.99 plus VAT a month.