A chocolate teapot has signalled its intention to become the next Prime Minister, adding to the list of useless objects that will be begging the country for the keys to 10 Downing Street this December.
The pointless vessel, who likes to be called Charlie, threw his lid into the ring on Thursday, launching his campaign with platitudes and a trip to a town outside the M25 that polled well in a focus group.
Donning a high visibility jacket, Charlie addressed workers at a factory in Workington, telling them that under his sweeping programme of economic reform they could all be looking for better jobs this time next year.
Charlie notes he has little political experience and is fundamentally useless in his current role, but his supporters have been quick to point out that the same criticism was levelled at both Donald Trump and Boris Johnson.
Any 2019 general election campaign will be won or lost on the issue of Brexit and Charlie is clear that he respects the will of the people and will solve the Irish border issue by deploying a team of specially trained pigs.
“I appreciate that the length of the border would require a lot of pigs and that is why I propose equipping them with jetpacks, like that French chap, so that they can cover more ground.
So-called experts are dubious about the flying pig plan but unanimously agree that a chocolate teapot could do a better job than the current occupants of the House of Commons.