Boris Johnson, age 55, has written to Santa Claus to ask for a general election and a new bike for Christmas.
The prime minister, who has apparently now found a working pen, took time out from focusing on Brexit to draft an official memo to the legendary seasonal delivery driver.
In the handwritten note, Johnson set out his demands for a December general election, a new Raleigh Chopper, and a LEGO Creator London Bus.
Pre-empting accusations of bad behaviour by Saint Nick the prime minister also noted that he had been a very good boy this year.
Citing both his increased consumption of green vegetables and that he had refrained from shagging anyone else’s wife since entering Number 10, he told Santa that he deserved a gift wrapped parliamentary majority in his stocking this year.
Opposition MPs were quick to criticise Mr Johnson for using official Number 10 stationery to further his personal ambition to own the coolest bike on the Commons playground.
While Jeremy Corbyn said the letter was: “the latest cynical attempt by a prime minister, who is unfit for office, to sideline parliamentary procedure so he can force through a Brexit deal that will harm the weakest in our society.”
The Labour leader told the BBC that he would be drafting his own letter to Saint Nicholas in which he will refute the prime minister’s claim of good behaviour and request a new BMX with Skyway Mag wheels.
He told Laura Kuenssberg: “I will be asking Father Christmas to withhold all deliveries to Number 10 until a no-deal Brexit is off the table.”
Mr Corbyn said he would also be raising an urgent question in the House about the employment practices of the tubby toymaker after a United Nations report claimed that many Elves were employed on zero-hours contracts and forced to sit on shelves.