Boris Johnson has abandoned his plan of gradually increasing the number of Irish borders until the EU give him a deal and has turned to the dark arts to get Brexit done by Halloween.
Downing Street consulted leading members of the Pagan Federation last night, in what is thought to be a last-ditch effort to break the Brexit deadlock ahead of next week’s EU summit.
Wiccan high-priestess, Ceridwen of Slough, lead a ritual that saw Mr Johnson and Cabinet ministers dance naked around a fire built from copies of Erskine May and Theresa May’s thrice defeated EU Withdrawal bill.
“It was pretty amazing,” George Southfield-Jackson, junior cabinet minister for funding blond American businesswomen, told us.
“We all danced naked around the fire until Ceridwen told us that it wasn’t that type of ritual and demanded we get dressed and stop frolicking.
“Then she looked into the flames and said that the Conservative Party is cursed to be forever in European purgatory, neither in nor out, the souls of the Tories will suffer at the ballot box for eternity.
“She reckons that David Cameron brought it upon us when he defiled that pig’s head.
“Since that fateful night in Oxford, the great porcine spirit Oinker the Destroyer has cursed the Tories and is keeping us from the sunlit uplands of Nodealtopia.”
According to the Pagan Federation’s website, a curse by Oinker can only be broken if a sacrifice is made and the body left in a ditch with his trotters pointing to the heavens.
A spokesman for the Conservative party refused to comment on whether they would sacrifice another prime minister to get Brexit over the line.