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Conservatives get tougher on crimes committed by poor people

Priti Patel

Home Secretary Priti Patel is expected to tell the Conservative conference that poor people will face tougher prisons sentences for a range of minor offences.

Ms Patel is predicted to tell the assembled Tories that there has been too much focus on crimes committed by Eton alumni, like the Prime Minister’s recent unlawful prorogation of Parliament.

“The Home Secretary will be making a simple correlation between the increasing number of poor people and the number of crimes committed,” says leading criminologist George Fishlove. 

“I expect she will point out that, thanks to her government’s policies, there are now considerably more poor people than rich people in the country, so logically more crime must be committed by poor people.

“She’ll want to be seen to bring crime statistics down ahead of a general election, and that requires locking lots of people up, not just one or two accused of historic sexual assault against journalists in restaurants.

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“She can have a bigger impact on crime figures by going after the millions defrauding Netflix, rather than investigate a single criminal for pursuing a no-deal Brexit so that his financial backers profit from the UK’s economy crashing.

“Half the country are sharing one Netflix login between their entire postcode, but the number of people illegally giving government grants to their American girlfriend remains relatively small, it’s all about the numbers.” 

Along with custodial sentences for sharing a Netflix login, Ms Patel is expected to introduce new powers that will allow local councils to intern anyone found to be storing an old sofa or fridge freezer in their front garden.

Universal Credit will remain as the default punishment for being poor.

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