Prime Minister Boris Johnson has explained his new Brexit strategy will revolve around him unexpectedly leaving each EU country in turn shortly after lunch.
The revelation comes after the PM mysteriously vanished following a lunch meeting with senior members of the EU’s negotiating team in Luxembourg on Monday.
Mr Johnson was scheduled to join his host, Xavier Bettel, at a press conference following lunch, but left Luxembourg’s PM ranting alone at a pair of podiums.
Some have speculated that Johnson legged it because a group of anti-Brexit protesters were calling him names, but he later explained it was all part of his new Brexit strategy.
“Well you see, the problem we’ve faced so far is that trying to leave the whole EU in one fell swoop is proving to be rather difficult,” Johnson told the British press from the relative safety of a first-class Eurostar carriage.
“So going forward, I will be symbolically leaving each EU member state in turn between now and the 31st of October.
“Yesterday I left Luxembourg after lunch and by jingo Johnny Eurocrat didn’t see that coming did he.
“On Friday I’ll have coffee and croissants with Macron, then I’ll hotfoot it over the border for lunch with Merkal before he can say où est Boris."
When questioned as to whether his personal exit from each member state delivered on the promise of the Brexit referendum, Johnson said.
“As we all know, thanks to the tireless work of the remainers and doom-mongers, the referendum didn’t technically specify what leaving means.
“So as of now, it means me leaving the EU after a bunch of lunch meetings; but let me assure you, the UK will not be paying my share of the bill or leaving a tip.”