The Prime Minister will keep calling the Leader of Her Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition rude names until he gets his general election, confirm sources.
In a remarkable demonstration of his statesmanlike deportment, Boris Johnson used his debut PMQs to launch his campaign to bully Jeremy Corbyn into calling for a general election by describing him as a “chlorinated chicken”.
Mr Corbyn, who has undoubtedly been called worse by his own backbenchers, didn’t rise to the jibe forcing the PM to double down and compare him to a “big girl’s blouse”.
With the opposition parties resolutely refusing to call a general election and distract the public from the Conservative Party’s epic failure to deliver on the will of the people, the government say they have no choice but to call Mr Corbyn further schoolboy names.
“We’ll be starting out gently by calling him a big gay lord Marxist that smells like vegan curry farts,” a junior minister told us.
“Senior ministers will brief throughout the day, telling reporters alternately that the Labour leader is a big spaz and that we saw his mum shopping at Waitrose, he’ll hate that one.
“If we don’t have a general election by teatime, the PM will go on Newsnight and tell the country that the Right Honourable Mr Corbyn is a scaredy jizz-lizard who isn’t fit to lead a troupe of syphilitic spaf badgers.”
Sources say the PM is confident the new strategy will force the “cowardly insult to democracy” to call a general election before the weekend, citing the time he won an argument at Eton by calling spotty Jenkins a big cheesy bellend.