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Brexit: Whitehall’s secret no-deal dossier rules out zombie apocalypse

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A classified ‘Yellowhammer’ report reveals that while Britain will face shortages of fuel, food and medicine, disruption to travel, recession and rioting in the event of a no-deal Brexit, the risk of a zombie apocalypse remains low.

Lead by Michael Gove, Operation Yellowhammer is a cross-governmental project to prepare for the sunlit uplands of a no-deal Brexit, which apparently can only be reached by a lengthy journey up shit creek.

The dossier, which predicts gangs of Brexiteers and Remoaners roaming the UK countryside in heavily modified dune buggies, fighting for fuel, water, and free wifi, was leaked to the Sunday Times.

Whitehall mandarins expect that there will be shortages of everything from blood to reality tv show contestants, Kerry Katona will form an interim government, and the price of a pint of craft IPA will hit the ten-pound mark as far north as Leeds, but otherwise everything is looking great for a no-deal Brexit.

The secret report also suggests that Jacob Rees-Mogg will emigrate to America and open a Victorian theme park called “Mogg World” with the fortune he’s made betting against the pound. 

Michael Gove played down concerns that his own team think they aren’t prepared, pointing out that as well as Mr Rees-Mogg leaving the country the threat of a full-blown zombie apocalypse remains low, so it’s not all bad news.

“Yes, there could be some limited short term dystopian future, for a generation or so, but zombies are a worst-case scenario,” Gove told Sky News.

“The risk of the dead rising was exacerbated by ministers blocking what needed to be done to get ready and Chris Grayling spending all the money on invisible ships. 

“Significant steps have now been taken, so I urge the public to have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.” 

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