Michael Gove has confounded critics, naysayers and doom-mongers, who say the UK is underprepared for a no-deal Brexit by revealing the government have amassed a sizeable cache of paddles in readiness for the UK’s exploration of shit creek in November.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson put Mr Gove in charge of no-deal Brexit planning after reassuring him that he definitely wouldn’t throw him under a bus with the slogan “It’s all Gove’s fault” printed on the side, when the faeces hit the fan.
The Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster addressed the press from a brewery he is considering for the cabinet’s post Brexit piss-up, thereby dispelling yet another notion about the government’s level of competency.
“Many of you here today have claimed that the United Kingdom is not prepared for inevitably crashing out of the European Union faster than the Duke of Edinburgh at a 3-way junction,” Gove began.
“Some of you have compared a no-deal Brexit to jumping from a plane without a parachute.
“You have said the government is leading the country off a cliff into an iceberg, wearing a blindfold.
“You have speculated that we will find ourselves at the business end of shit creek without propulsion or steering on November the 1st.”
“Today I tell you that you are wrong, these are the metaphors of Project Fear.
“The government has secured innumerable paddles, and when the time comes, Britannia will navigate the turd filled rapids, free from the choking life jacket of EU regulation, and sail victoriously out to the clear seas of free trade.”
A rapturous round of applause from Brexit true believers was cut short when a journalist from Boating World magazine asked Mr Gove how many canoes he had ordered.
“Shit, I fucking hate experts,” he muttered as aides quickly ushered him to his car.