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Grayling returns to the frontline as Johnson gets tough on crime

Chris Grayling RoboCop

Former Justice Secretary Chris Grayling made a dramatic return to frontline politics today and will play a leading role as Prime Minister Boris Johnson gets increasingly tough on crime.

Mr Grayling headed up the Department for Transport under Theresa May but has mysteriously not been seen since Johnson entered Number 10 a month ago.

As May’s campaign manager in 2016 it was thought that Grayling was too close to the catastrophe of her premiership for Johnson to risk giving him a cabinet position, but today he has been revealed as central to the PM’s crackdown on crime. 

Clad in an antiballistic carbon frame and titanium plates the ex-minister will assist the 20,000 new police officers the government has pledged to recruit, by removing naysayers, doom-mongers and gloom-merchants from the streets.

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Announcing the future of law enforcement, Home Secretary, Priti Patel told reporters that she wanted criminals to be “literally afraid of the police.”

“I want criminals to literally feel terror,” she said, adding “and I think we can all agree that seeing Chris in this body-hugging suit, wielding an Auto-9 and a Cobra Assault Cannon is some pretty scary shit.” 

Grayling 1.1 has been cybernetically modified and will adhere to Dominic Cummings’ four prime directives, Deliver Brexit, Destroy the public trust, Reelect Johnson, Any attempt to arrest a senior Tory results in shutdown.

Demonstrating his enhanced capabilities to the press, RoboGrayling shot himself in the foot several times at an estimated cost of £1.5bn to the taxpayer, before aiming at his other foot and exclaiming: “Your move, creep.” 

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