Chancellor Sajid Javid has announced that the Conservative Party’s magic money tree has shown record growth and will produce a bumper cash crop in time for a general election.
The news comes as the Office for National Statistics reports that the UK economy has contracted by 0.2% between April and June, its worst performance since 2012.
Brushing aside the facts from the so-called experts at the ONS, Mr Javid has assured government departments that the arboreal-cashpoint is in excellent condition and today launched a one-year spending review to prove it.
Chief Secretary to the Treasury James Fishlove said: “This spending round will give financial certainty to departments’ plans for next year.
“We will invest in the priority areas of schools and policing, while delivering our promises on the NHS, defence and other big sounding and importantly vote-winning policy areas.
Mr Javid added: “I’ve given the tree a good old shake and it’s dropping cash faster than Donald Trump’s trousers at a Miss World pageant.”
The money tree was first planted in the garden of Number 11 Downing street by Nigel Lawson in 1983 and has been central to Conservative Party fiscal policy ever since.
While it has suffered from periods of weak growth, the mystical shrub is known to sprout into life just before a general election is called.