EU diplomats have crumbled under renewed pressure from the UK to leave the bloc without a deal.
Top EU negotiators, who are relaxing on their summer holidays, took a few seconds out from placing their towels on the best sun loungers early this morning to tell the UK that “if you want no-deal then no problem mein freund.”
“Look if a madman is holding a gun to his own head and threatening to blow his own brains out if you don’t give him what he wants, then of course, you let him pull the trigger before he can turn his gun on you,” said the EU’s chief negotiator.
“We’d have loved to have spent our summer going back over old ground to return to the same conclusion, but if Mr Johnson wants no-deal, we’ll get back to topping up our tans and sipping our complimentary cocktails.”
Chalking up the failure to reopen negotiations as a success for positive thinking, Downing Street says that acceptance of a no-deal scenario by the EU definitively proves that “when you believe, you can succeed.”
“This is a momentous step for our Brexit planning,” said a spokesperson for Number 10.
“While doomsayers, devastation-dealers and assorted cataclysm-retailers will no doubt say it is a step backwards, that is just not the case.
“Theresa May’s government took two and a bit years to agree a deal, and we didn’t leave. Boris Johnson has defined the terms of our no-deal Brexit with full agreement from the EU in just two weeks.”