In an astonishing announcement yesterday new PM Boris Johnson announced that he “wholeheartedly” backed a £21bn High Speed Rail Link between the town of Weatherfield in the North and the London Borough of Walford.
The move followed a series of policies and promises in the first few days of Mr Johnson’s new premiership.
Despite experts suggesting that the approximate 220 mile journey could take at least fourteen and half hours with current rail delays, Mr Johnson insisted it could be done in just eight minutes if passengers “just believe it can be done.”
“Imagine!” He yelled “In the past a worker who lost their job in the Queen Vic would be put off seeking a new job in the Rovers Return – that person would then end up scrounging benefits. But in my brave new vision for Britain they would be back serving pints in no time at all!”
Mr Johnson described those who criticised his plans as “naysayers, doom mongers and gloom merchants,” who were “running down everything that is great about our country.”
“I saw a documentary about it the other night where honest Eastend folk, like those I used to represent as Mayor of London, seemed unable to leave the confines of a small part of London due to inadequate infrastructure. I say, ladies and gentleman, that with a little positivity we can liberate the people of Walford from the shackles of pessimism!”
Leader of the Commons Jacob Rees-Mogg described the move “as indicative of the Rt Hon Mr Johnson’s sagacity and perspicuity” causing several of his staff to reach for a dictionary.
New Lib Dem leader Jo Swinson called a press conference to point out that both places are fictional locations in soap operas, although this was dismissed as ‘fake news’ by Dominic Raab who earned a D in GCSE in Geography.
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, described the move as “ludicrous” and said, “the man is clearly insane, he is a deluded individual who is unable to distinguish fact from fiction… and most shamefully he ignores our rural communities such as those in Emmerdale.”