Donald Trump has indicated that making America suck again will form the cornerstone of his re-election campaign by launching a range of high-quality Trump-branded plastic straws.
Stocks of the US manufactured plastic drinking aids sold out online almost immediately as millions of American’s responded to the call to arms of “Suck like your Commander and Chief in 2020”.
Sold in packs of 10 the laser-etched, recyclable, plastic straws are being marketed as an alternative to “Liberal paper straws that don’t work.”
Trump fanatic Chuck Stetson was lucky enough to get his hands on one of the presidential beverage pipes before they sold out.
“I ain’t going to suck like some liberal turtle lovin’ faggot,” Chuck told us.
“Paper straws are un-patriotic; they go all limp and floppy in your mouth.
“I want a big fat American straw that stays firm no matter how long I’m sucking on it.”
The 9cm long red straws retail at $15 for a pack of 10 and allow red-blooded true believers to consume their Kool-Aid with maximum efficiency, even while wearing a hood that covers the face and mouth.