The heatwave currently roasting the nuts off the UK population is just God attempting to set light to the country before Boris does, say leading theologians.
Despite being covered in a greasy layer of homemade carrot oil and shea butter sunblock, members of Extinction Rebellion were left red-faced today as global warming was decisively disproved.
A team of Church of England scholars announced a full debunking of established climate science, revealing that God, not man, is responsible for the road sticking to your Converse as it melts in the heat.
“Obviously our first thought was that it was the other guy, what with the hellish heat, and you know everything else that’s going on,” chuckled Deacon Fishlove.
“But when we checked in with a few of our Catholic colleagues that have gone that way, we were assured He is too busy building an extra circle of hell for Donald Trump to be messing around with the weather up here.
“Funny thing is though; the Boss had been very quiet on this whole global warming thing.
“Floods, locusts, brimstone, He has always fessed up, but not a word on cars melting in central London or the mercury in Newcastle making it into the low twenties.”
Deacon Fishlove explained that following some probing from the Archbishop of Canterbury, God had admitted that He’d been concerned since Brexit but that Boris Johnson entering Number 10 was the final straw.
“He’d hoped to take us out with a meteorite, but it turns out his power diminishes as fewer people believe, you know like Santa in that Elf movie, so it’s more of a slow warming, like frogs in a kettle.
“Ironically we expect more people will be turning to God once Boris gets into his stride, so as He gets his mojo back we could be in for floods and thunderstorms as well.”