With a heatwave predicted to see the mercury hit 35C in the UK, how can you keep cool in the face of patronising heatwave advice from the nanny state?
On Thursday, media coverage of the summer weather could surpass the current July record set in 2015 when even the Telegraph plastered a picture of two girls sunbathing in a park across its front page.
But as an adult who’s probably been on holiday to somewhere exotic like Benidorm, how will you keep cool while being bombarded with heatwave survival advice from the media?
Follow The Post Truth Post’s no-nonsense guide to hot weather and stay cool this summer.
Do I need to work during the heatwave?
Yes. The nanny state dictates you can knock off early if your place of work is below 16C (61F), but hot weather is the one area that Health and Safety, so-called, Experts haven’t poked their clipboards into yet. However, a severe sunburn may form the basis of a plausible sickie excuse.
Where should I go to stay cool?
Wetherspoons. Remember the temperature can reach the high teens as early as 9 am. The ‘spoons is open early and has air conditioning for all-day cooling. Remember to stay hydrated.
Can I wear flip-flops?
Is your name Pedro or Pierre? That’s a no then. Sandals with knee-length socks gave Great Britain an Empire so pull your socks up and get on with it.
Is there an increased risk of sunburn?
Yes, but don’t let that stop you displaying your pasty white body to the world. If you burn simply douse any body part that feels warmer than a radiator with a cooling malt vinegar until it peels.
How will I sleep?
What should I drink?
If you need to ask, it’s questionable whether you should be allowed out of the house without supervision. Drink a cold lager followed by another cold lager and so on until it starts drizzling or you pass out.