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‘Bring on those wheat fields’ roars May

Theresa May Wheat Field Dance

Theresa May gave a rare, forthright indication of her plans for the future today, as she prepared to step down from office.

The soon-to-be former PM delivered an unusually candid press conference at 10 Downing Street during which her performance was described by one journalist as a cross between Margaret Thatcher’s final days and Conor McGregor’s pre-fight diatribe. 

“She seemed giddy with the freedom,” the reporter said, referring to the fact that Mrs May will be returning to the backbenches following arch-rival Boris Johnson’s election as Tory Party Leader.

When asked how she would be spending the long parliamentary summer recess, May replied, “The holiday of all holidays! Bring on the summer! Bring on those f*cking wheat fields, I’m barefoot and ready!” 

When asked where she would be running barefoot first May retorted “Wherever the f*ck I f*cking want too f*ckers!”

Sources say that Mrs May has become a changed person since the weight of delivering Brexit has been lifted and dumped onto a new leader. 

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“Her whole persona has relaxed; she has become more anarchic and her language has certainly become more fruity,” explained an aide.

Asked if she had any message for her successor, the MP for Maidenhead said, “Yeah; if you don’t deliver Brexit maybe you can make us all a nice f*cking model bus.” before collapsing with laughter.

Continuing a key theme of her premiership, Mrs May is said to have spent the morning playing pranks on hardline Brexiteers.

One insider said “Theresa was hilarious; she put laxatives in Mark Francois’ coffee and sniggered as she watched him unsuspectingly gulp it down.” 

Later, the PM is alleged to have put drawing pins in a cushion Queen Victoria presented to Jacob Rees-Mogg on his eighth birthday.

Mrs May spent the afternoon getting her shirt signed by colleagues before heading to Chequers for “one last piss in the pool.”

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