The UK government has moved swiftly to appoint Ivanka Trump as the new UK ambassador in Washington following the resignation of Sir Kim Darroch.
Darroch’s resignation was precipitated by the leak of secret diplomatic emails to The Mail on Sunday in which he painted an unflattering and yet insightful and wholly accurate picture of the Trump administration.
Theresa May said that Sir Kim’s departure was “a matter of deep regret” noting that she’d always felt rather spoilt by the lavish parties he’d hosted at the embassy whenever she was in town.
“While it’s sad to lose another lifelong diplomat and civil servant of Sir Kim’s standing we must accept that Donald Trump is now in charge,” the PM told the Commons.
“I received a Tweet from our President this afternoon, and by his command, I have appointed Ivanka Trump as our new ambassador to the US of A.
“It is a role that I’m sure she will do well in and it will give her the grounding in UK politics that she’ll need before she takes over as prime minister on November first, God bless America.”
Boris Johnson is still expected to lead the UK until Ms Trump has had time to redecorate Number 10 and have the iconic front door replaced with a twenty-four-carat gold replica.
When asked by reporters if he now felt that throwing Sir Kim under the bus had rather backfired, Johnson said “um, ah, yes, top totty, brrrrr, fine filly, Brexit, believe Jeremy, quod mini fucked”, but got nowhere close to answering the question.
The European Union have announced new legislation that will kill a UK plan to open up alternative burial locations.
Councils across the UK were set for a cash injection after public health experts recommended allowing Brits to be buried at the side of A-roads and motorways or under speed bumps and roundabouts.
In a study, published last week, experts recommended a range of alternative burial sites that could help reduce the crisis of overcrowding in graveyards and crematoria across the country.
The report identified that grassland surrounding major roads is mostly unused and suggested cash strapped UK councils could sell burial plots to raise much-needed capital for local services.
Inner-city areas, still suffering from the effects of austerity, will also lose out, as EU health and safety fears will stop them from selling off lucrative burial plots under speed bumps and on floral roundabouts.
Citing environmental concerns around cars having to slow down to tackle speed bumps, constructed from an increasingly obese population, the EU is set to overrule the UK plan later this month.
“This is bloody typical of the meddling imperialist eurocrats,” said Brexit Party MEP and reality show contestant, Ann Widdecombe.
“If I want my earthly form to be converted into a traffic calming measure that will delay and frustrate motorists in Weston-super-Mare for all eternity, then I bloody well should be allowed to do so.”
A spokesman for the people of Weston-super-Mare agreed, telling us “the sooner we get Ann under a few feet of tarmac the better, in our opinion.”