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Brussels brings UK speed bump burial plan to a standstill

The European Union have announced new legislation that will kill a UK plan to open up alternative burial locations.

Councils across the UK were set for a cash injection after public health experts recommended allowing Brits to be buried at the side of A-roads and motorways or under speed bumps and roundabouts.

In a study, published last week, experts recommended a range of alternative burial sites that could help reduce the crisis of overcrowding in graveyards and crematoria across the country. 

The report identified that grassland surrounding major roads is mostly unused and suggested cash strapped UK councils could sell burial plots to raise much-needed capital for local services. 

Inner-city areas, still suffering from the effects of austerity, will also lose out, as EU health and safety fears will stop them from selling off lucrative burial plots under speed bumps and on floral roundabouts.

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Citing environmental concerns around cars having to slow down to tackle speed bumps, constructed from an increasingly obese population, the EU is set to overrule the UK plan later this month.

“This is bloody typical of the meddling imperialist eurocrats,” said Brexit Party MEP and reality show contestant, Ann Widdecombe. 

“If I want my earthly form to be converted into a traffic calming measure that will delay and frustrate motorists in Weston-super-Mare for all eternity, then I bloody well should be allowed to do so.” 

A spokesman for the people of Weston-super-Mare agreed, telling us “the sooner we get Ann under a few feet of tarmac the better, in our opinion.” 

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