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Brussels brings UK speed bump burial plan to a standstill

The European Union have announced new legislation that will kill a UK plan to open up alternative burial locations.

Councils across the UK were set for a cash injection after public health experts recommended allowing Brits to be buried at the side of A-roads and motorways or under speed bumps and roundabouts.

In a study, published last week, experts recommended a range of alternative burial sites that could help reduce the crisis of overcrowding in graveyards and crematoria across the country. 

The report identified that grassland surrounding major roads is mostly unused and suggested cash strapped UK councils could sell burial plots to raise much-needed capital for local services. 

Inner-city areas, still suffering from the effects of austerity, will also lose out, as EU health and safety fears will stop them from selling off lucrative burial plots under speed bumps and on floral roundabouts.

Citing environmental concerns around cars having to slow down to tackle speed bumps, constructed from an increasingly obese population, the EU is set to overrule the UK plan later this month.

“This is bloody typical of the meddling imperialist eurocrats,” said Brexit Party MEP and reality show contestant, Ann Widdecombe. 

“If I want my earthly form to be converted into a traffic calming measure that will delay and frustrate motorists in Weston-super-Mare for all eternity, then I bloody well should be allowed to do so.” 

A spokesman for the people of Weston-super-Mare agreed, telling us “the sooner we get Ann under a few feet of tarmac the better, in our opinion.” 

Britain’s Next Prime Minister a flop for ITV

Photo credit: BBC

ITV’s new weekday prime time talent show, Britain’s Next Prime Minister, has been canned after the pilot fails to engage viewers. 

Critics have slammed the first airing of the show which pitches two hapless middle-aged white men, with ambitions to lead the country, against each other in what the channel described as an unscripted reality talent debate format.

Jeremy Hunt, the first contestant to take to the podium, opened the show with his impression of a Dalek by repeating the word “negotiate” over and over in his weirdly modulated voice. 

With the audience visibly unimpressed by Hunt’s performance, contestant number two, Boris Johnson, riffed on Harry Enfield’s character Tim Nice But Dim for his turn in the impressions round.

The second round, which saw both contestants try to convince the audience that they could deliver Brexit, has been described as deeply derivative of the BBC One comedy panel show Would I Lie To You. 

As the second half commenced, both contestants were visibly short of material and resorted to the sort of petty schoolboy sarcasm and backbiting usually reserved for satirical websites and The Daily Mail. 

A screening of a pre-recorded swimwear round was ditched at the last minute due to the show being broadcast before the watershed, leaving host, Julie Etchingham, to fill the gap by spending a full twenty minutes pressing Johnson to answer at least one question. Mr Johnson declined.  

A final quick fire questions round saw Hunt promise to build a railway and extend an airport while Johnson opted to throw an ambassador under a bus.

Aside from the quality of the contestants, the show’s biggest criticism is that the majority of viewers don’t even get to vote on its outcome.