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Johnson and Hunt prepare for TV debate showdown

Hunt Johnson Debate

Tory leadership candidates Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt will spend the day preparing for a head-to-head debate that will be broadcast on ITV tonight.

Both men started the day by jogging a hundred meters to a waiting car where they had breakfast with their respective aides before returning an hour or so later for a sweaty doorstep photo-op.

Mr Hunt, who was pressing for the TV debate to take place earlier but doesn’t own a time-travelling bus, will spend the morning practising his serious face while looking into a camera and repeating “Brexit means Brexit”.

In contrast, Mr Johnson likes to relax before important speaking engagements and is likely to spend a few hours constructing intricate model buses emblazoned with the pro-Brexit fantasies he’ll be trotting out this evening. 

Following lunch at his club, Johnson will settle down for a good nap to ensure he is both refreshed and that his signature bed-head hair do is thoroughly ruffled. 

Aware that his tenure as Secretary of State for Health and Social Care will be under scrutiny, Mr Hunt will host a working lunch with representatives of a major US health insurance provider to brainstorm ideas for the future of the NHS.

Mr Hunt will interrupt his debate prep for a meeting at the Foreign Office to discuss the ongoing investigation into the leak of diplomatic emails to The Mail on Sunday, while Mr Johnson pops out to his local Ryman to buy a new shredder.

The candidates will arrive at NewMediaCity at 6 pm and spend the final hours running through key talking points with their campaign teams.

Mr Hunt is expected to practice delivering plausible-sounding banalities about no-deal Brexit scenarios, British exceptionalism and a future where fox hunting is a significant contributor to GDP. 

Mr Johnson will dedicate his final hours to practising his range of posh sounding noises, oblique references, and school-boy Latin, while his team remind him he should say as little as possible and keep his trousers on at all costs. 

Inept, dysfunctional and divided government investigate Trump email leak

Jeremy Hunt

The UK government has launched an investigation after diplomatic emails were leaked to The Mail on Sunday.

Sir Kim Darroch, Britain’s Ambassador to Washington, used secret cables and briefing notes to question Donald Trump’s character while also stating the obvious regarding the shambolic state of the White House.

The Mail published the cache of leaked documents in its Sunday edition, with editors thought to have dropped an important exposé of the top ten celebrity side boobs spotted at Glastonbury in favour of embarrassing Sir Kim and the country he serves.

Publication of the emails, which contained very little that would not be patently obvious to even the most casual observer of US politics, resulted in transatlantic diplomatic tensions and forced Embassy officials to deploy the Ferrero Rocher in a bid to defuse the situation. 

As the Foreign Office launched an investigation into the source of the leak, a top civil servant said: 

“We don’t really believe this Administration is going to become substantially more normal; less dysfunctional; less unpredictable; less faction riven; less diplomatically clumsy and inept. 

“But the show must go on, and Britain cannot let the failings of the Conservative Party stand in the way of us mending the most special of special relationships and finding the source of this leak.”

Sources in the Chinese government revealed that Tory leadership candidate, Boris Johnson, had told aides that getting to the bottom this matter was his top priority and that he’d personally speak to Sir Kim as soon as he got to grips with is new Huawei P30 smartphone