The Post Truth Post

Corbyn uninjured by fall from fence

Jeremy Corbyn
Photo credit: DepositPhotos

Reports say Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, was not injured by a fall from the fence he has been sat on for the last three years.

Mr Corbyn was seen to wobble on his perch on Monday when several trade union leaders called on their membership to give the fence a good old shake but managed to hold his position.

It is thought that deputy leader, Tom Watson, may have caused his leader’s final disgraceful dismount after he rallied Labour Party members to give the fence a final rattle in the hope of dislodging the ‘Dangerous Hero’ on Tuesday afternoon.

The Labour Leader emerged unscathed by his time astride the great Brexit divide and his subsequent fall, but due to the fence falling down it remains unclear which side of it he landed on. 

Early reports suggested that Corbyn landed with an elegant commando roll on the side of a second referendum, in which he’ll back remaining in the EU, making Labour the de facto party of remoaners.

However, reverse angle footage appears to show the 70-year-old landing on his head before dusting himself down and telling his disciples that if Labour won a general election, they’d only require a “confirmatory vote” to leave the EU with a Labour negotiated Brexit deal.

Fence owner and Brexit Party head honcho, Nigel Farage, is said to be furious by the damage Mr Corbyn’s supporters have caused and declared he’d have the fence back in place, dividing the country, as soon as possible. 

Johnson and Hunt prepare for TV debate showdown

Hunt Johnson Debate

Tory leadership candidates Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt will spend the day preparing for a head-to-head debate that will be broadcast on ITV tonight.

Both men started the day by jogging a hundred meters to a waiting car where they had breakfast with their respective aides before returning an hour or so later for a sweaty doorstep photo-op.

Mr Hunt, who was pressing for the TV debate to take place earlier but doesn’t own a time-travelling bus, will spend the morning practising his serious face while looking into a camera and repeating “Brexit means Brexit”.

In contrast, Mr Johnson likes to relax before important speaking engagements and is likely to spend a few hours constructing intricate model buses emblazoned with the pro-Brexit fantasies he’ll be trotting out this evening. 

Following lunch at his club, Johnson will settle down for a good nap to ensure he is both refreshed and that his signature bed-head hair do is thoroughly ruffled. 

Aware that his tenure as Secretary of State for Health and Social Care will be under scrutiny, Mr Hunt will host a working lunch with representatives of a major US health insurance provider to brainstorm ideas for the future of the NHS.

Mr Hunt will interrupt his debate prep for a meeting at the Foreign Office to discuss the ongoing investigation into the leak of diplomatic emails to The Mail on Sunday, while Mr Johnson pops out to his local Ryman to buy a new shredder.

The candidates will arrive at NewMediaCity at 6 pm and spend the final hours running through key talking points with their campaign teams.

Mr Hunt is expected to practice delivering plausible-sounding banalities about no-deal Brexit scenarios, British exceptionalism and a future where fox hunting is a significant contributor to GDP. 

Mr Johnson will dedicate his final hours to practising his range of posh sounding noises, oblique references, and school-boy Latin, while his team remind him he should say as little as possible and keep his trousers on at all costs.