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Inept, dysfunctional and divided government investigate Trump email leak

Jeremy Hunt

The UK government has launched an investigation after diplomatic emails were leaked to The Mail on Sunday.

Sir Kim Darroch, Britain’s Ambassador to Washington, used secret cables and briefing notes to question Donald Trump’s character while also stating the obvious regarding the shambolic state of the White House.

The Mail published the cache of leaked documents in its Sunday edition, with editors thought to have dropped an important exposé of the top ten celebrity side boobs spotted at Glastonbury in favour of embarrassing Sir Kim and the country he serves.

Publication of the emails, which contained very little that would not be patently obvious to even the most casual observer of US politics, resulted in transatlantic diplomatic tensions and forced Embassy officials to deploy the Ferrero Rocher in a bid to defuse the situation. 

As the Foreign Office launched an investigation into the source of the leak, a top civil servant said: 

“We don’t really believe this Administration is going to become substantially more normal; less dysfunctional; less unpredictable; less faction riven; less diplomatically clumsy and inept. 

“But the show must go on, and Britain cannot let the failings of the Conservative Party stand in the way of us mending the most special of special relationships and finding the source of this leak.”

Sources in the Chinese government revealed that Tory leadership candidate, Boris Johnson, had told aides that getting to the bottom this matter was his top priority and that he’d personally speak to Sir Kim as soon as he got to grips with is new Huawei P30 smartphone

Ambassador smooths over Trump row with tray of gold foil wrapped chocolate

Ferrero Rocher
Photo credit: stratman2 | Flickr

Under fire British ambassador Sir Kim Darroch seemed to have avoided an international crisis last night by sending a significant portion of a well-known brand of hazelnut and wafer chocolates to the White House. 

The sweet treat was swiftly couriered to Pennsylvania Avenue from the British Embassy after the Mail on Sunday published leaked emails in which Sir Kim had described Mr Trump’s administration as “inept”, “dysfunctional” and “divided”.

A foreign office spokesman explained, “it’s textbook British diplomacy really; we cause grave offence by revealing our honest opinions and then we remedy the situation by organising a soiree and providing treats.”

The confectionary arrived in time for a gala evening in honour of top Republican Party officials and were distributed by white gloved footman on silver platters, an apparent attempt to remind Mr Trump of his recent State visit to the UK, which he is said to have “thoroughly enjoyed.” 

First lady, Melania Trump remarked “the ambassador is really spoiling us,” adding, “the chocolates look absolutely enormous in my husband’s tiny Oompa Loompa hands.” 

Brexit Party leader and Trump acolyte, Nigel Farage agreed that the move had been a triumph, “it’s a diplomatic masterstroke! I just hope that one day, my critics will feel sorry enough to send me a crate of real ale and a sleeve of fags!” he exclaimed before roaring maniacally with laughter.

The White House has yet to officially respond to the crisis but one source suggested that the gift had been a success, “The President seems very happy at the moment,” she said, “he will thank the Ambassador but he finds it very hard to Tweet when his mouth is full.”