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Ambassador smooths over Trump row with tray of gold foil wrapped chocolate

Ferrero Rocher
Photo credit: stratman2 | Flickr

Under fire British ambassador Sir Kim Darroch seemed to have avoided an international crisis last night by sending a significant portion of a well-known brand of hazelnut and wafer chocolates to the White House. 

The sweet treat was swiftly couriered to Pennsylvania Avenue from the British Embassy after the Mail on Sunday published leaked emails in which Sir Kim had described Mr Trump’s administration as “inept”, “dysfunctional” and “divided”.

A foreign office spokesman explained, “it’s textbook British diplomacy really; we cause grave offence by revealing our honest opinions and then we remedy the situation by organising a soiree and providing treats.”

The confectionary arrived in time for a gala evening in honour of top Republican Party officials and were distributed by white gloved footman on silver platters, an apparent attempt to remind Mr Trump of his recent State visit to the UK, which he is said to have “thoroughly enjoyed.” 

First lady, Melania Trump remarked “the ambassador is really spoiling us,” adding, “the chocolates look absolutely enormous in my husband’s tiny Oompa Loompa hands.” 

Brexit Party leader and Trump acolyte, Nigel Farage agreed that the move had been a triumph, “it’s a diplomatic masterstroke! I just hope that one day, my critics will feel sorry enough to send me a crate of real ale and a sleeve of fags!” he exclaimed before roaring maniacally with laughter.

The White House has yet to officially respond to the crisis but one source suggested that the gift had been a success, “The President seems very happy at the moment,” she said, “he will thank the Ambassador but he finds it very hard to Tweet when his mouth is full.”


Bury bodies under speed bumps, experts suggest

Local councils to all speed bump burials

Local councils should be permitted to bury bodies under speed bumps in a bid to ease overcrowding in cemeteries and reduce speed on urban roads, says a new report.

The report, published by leading public health experts, argues that Britain is running out of space in graveyards and crematoria and suggests several radical new burial locations to address the growing problem.

Burials could soon be permitted alongside motorways and A-roads with headstones doubling as natural crash barriers, but critics of the scheme question whether funeral processions could lead to tailbacks and are concerned for the safety of funeral parties congregated on the hard shoulder. 

It is hoped that burying some of the 500,000 Brits that pop their clogs every year in eco-coffins alongside the UK’s highways byways and footpaths will create a network of ‘green corridor cemeteries’.

In urban areas, where soft verges are less commonplace, the report suggests the deceased could be laid to rest under speed bumps and floral roundabouts. 

“We expect memorialising your loved one as a speed bump following their demise will be popular with many UK families,” says the report’s lead author, Charles Fishlove-Smyth. 

“A speed bump memorial can be placed in the deceased's favourite street or on a route the family will use on a daily basis.

“What better way for a family to keep a lost relative in their hearts than ‘slowing down to remember’ on their drive to the shops or when dropping the kids off at school in the morning?” 

Disused land near railways is also being considered, with Southern Rail already planning an ‘afterlife season ticket’ that will guarantee former commuters can continue to spend an eternity just outside London in an overcrowded box full of zombies, following their death.