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Bury bodies under speed bumps, experts suggest

Local councils to all speed bump burials

Local councils should be permitted to bury bodies under speed bumps in a bid to ease overcrowding in cemeteries and reduce speed on urban roads, says a new report.

The report, published by leading public health experts, argues that Britain is running out of space in graveyards and crematoria and suggests several radical new burial locations to address the growing problem.

Burials could soon be permitted alongside motorways and A-roads with headstones doubling as natural crash barriers, but critics of the scheme question whether funeral processions could lead to tailbacks and are concerned for the safety of funeral parties congregated on the hard shoulder. 

It is hoped that burying some of the 500,000 Brits that pop their clogs every year in eco-coffins alongside the UK’s highways byways and footpaths will create a network of ‘green corridor cemeteries’.

In urban areas, where soft verges are less commonplace, the report suggests the deceased could be laid to rest under speed bumps and floral roundabouts. 

“We expect memorialising your loved one as a speed bump following their demise will be popular with many UK families,” says the report’s lead author, Charles Fishlove-Smyth. 

“A speed bump memorial can be placed in the deceased's favourite street or on a route the family will use on a daily basis.

“What better way for a family to keep a lost relative in their hearts than ‘slowing down to remember’ on their drive to the shops or when dropping the kids off at school in the morning?” 

Disused land near railways is also being considered, with Southern Rail already planning an ‘afterlife season ticket’ that will guarantee former commuters can continue to spend an eternity just outside London in an overcrowded box full of zombies, following their death.

Despots organise whip-round for “Donny 4 Tanks”

Dictators from around the globe have chipped in to buy Donald Trump some more tanks for his Fourth of July parade.

Close friend, Kim Jong-un, started a GoFundMe campaign after the US President announced that only four military vehicles would be in attendance at his Fourth of July re-election campaign parade in Washington DC.

“The people of North Korea must stand by our American brothers and their great leader,” Chairman Kim told North Korean state TV.

“I have an escort of eighty battle tanks every time I go for a shit, it’s a disgrace that Donny can only find four for his important campaign speech.” 

International totalitarians have rallied round sending messages of support and pledges of tanks to Mr Trump.

Posting on the G20 WhatsApp group Vladimir Putin said: “Don’t worry little ‘Donny 4 Tanks’ I have some spares I can lend you. PMSL!!!”

Saudi king, Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saudi, tweeted “@realDonaldTrump two hundred FV 4034 Challenger 2s coming your way mate. I put the order in with Liam Fox this morning. Happy 4th bro.” 

Chinese Premier Xi Jinping set alarm bells ringing in the Pentagon by announcing he could have a battalion of Chinese ZTQ-15 tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue by lunchtime if necessary. 

European Commission President, Jean-Claude Juncker, pledged to lend the US some tanks “at least until we get this EU Army thing up and running”, proving that Nigel Farage was right all along.