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Despots organise whip-round for “Donny 4 Tanks”

Dictators from around the globe have chipped in to buy Donald Trump some more tanks for his Fourth of July parade.

Close friend, Kim Jong-un, started a GoFundMe campaign after the US President announced that only four military vehicles would be in attendance at his Fourth of July re-election campaign parade in Washington DC.

“The people of North Korea must stand by our American brothers and their great leader,” Chairman Kim told North Korean state TV.

“I have an escort of eighty battle tanks every time I go for a shit, it’s a disgrace that Donny can only find four for his important campaign speech.” 

International totalitarians have rallied round sending messages of support and pledges of tanks to Mr Trump.

Posting on the G20 WhatsApp group Vladimir Putin said: “Don’t worry little ‘Donny 4 Tanks’ I have some spares I can lend you. PMSL!!!”

Saudi king, Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saudi, tweeted “@realDonaldTrump two hundred FV 4034 Challenger 2s coming your way mate. I put the order in with Liam Fox this morning. Happy 4th bro.” 

Chinese Premier Xi Jinping set alarm bells ringing in the Pentagon by announcing he could have a battalion of Chinese ZTQ-15 tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue by lunchtime if necessary. 

European Commission President, Jean-Claude Juncker, pledged to lend the US some tanks “at least until we get this EU Army thing up and running”, proving that Nigel Farage was right all along.

Johnson promises to cut tax on milkshake

Boris Johnson
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Boris Johnson has promised to review the so-called “sin taxes” levied on milkshakes and other sugary beverages.

The Tory Leadership contender says he wants to review whether taxes on foods high in salt, sugar and fat are effective at improving the nation’s health or just unfairly target those on a low income.

However, Mr Johnson’s critics claim the move is not about tax cuts or public health but is aimed squarely at diminishing the threat the Brexit Party pose to the Conservatives.

“Johnson is smarter than he looks, under that toddler’s haircut there is the brain of a political genius,” says political analyst and future cabinet minister, Charles Fistlove-Smyth.

“Boris knows that Nigel Farage and his Brexit Party could easily win the next general election, and the only thing that will stop them is the constant threat of flying milkshake.

“It’s classic dog whistle politics from Johnson, a call to arms for the remoaners to take up their milkshakes and stop Brexit.”

Nigel Farage was unavailable for comment due to an appointment with his dry cleaner.