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Lib Dems apologise to EU for using the B-word

Lib Dem Luisa Porritt Bollocks to Brexit
Photo credit: Luisa Porritt | Twitter

Liberal Democrat MEPs will release a statement later today in which they apologise for wearing T-shirts featuring foul language during the opening of the European Parliament.

The sixteen newly appointed MEPs disrupted the first session of the Parliament yesterday by wearing bright yellow T-shirts with a slogan containing the B-word printed on them.

Shocked parliamentarians initially thought the garments were part of a protest, but it was later revealed that Sir Vince Cable has set up an online T-shirt business and the stunt was part of his viral launch campaign.

Nigel Farage was among the outraged MEPs, “Using that word, in this place, is totally unacceptable, and outrageous and crude and childish,” he said stamping his foot and using his biggest grownup words.

“When I saw it, I told my people to turn their backs and cover their eyes.

“Ann Widdecombe is 104 years old, and provocative language like that could bring on one of her funny turns.”  

Some MEPs were more forgiving, with one telling us “I understand it is your peculiar British sense of humour, with the dead parrots, the vicar who has the trousers that fall down, and the Boris Johnsons.”

A copy of the statement leaked to The Post Truth Post says: 

“We accept that entering the European Parliament with the B-word emblazoned across our backs is disrespectful to both the institution and its members.

“It is a childish and disgusting word and one that has brought great shame and embarrassment to us, our party, and most of all the people of Great Britain.

“We unreservedly apologise to the European Parliament and the people of Britain and Europe, and solemnly swear, that in future, we will refrain from using the word Brexit.” 

Alabama considers banning women from the state in bid to cut crime

Alabama bans women from the state

Alabama governor, Kay Ivey, is considering banning women from the Yellowhammer State in her ongoing battle to tackle the crimes of the female body.

Speaking on Fox News, the Governor outlined a plan to reduce the rate of crime in the southeastern American state by removing anyone that doesn’t “pack a barbecue in his pants”.

“When I look at crime in our state it’s always the womenfolk that are to blame,” the Governor told host Sean Hannity.

“We’ve got the toughest stance on abortion outside of the Taliban, and these feminists are still getting pregnant and demanding their reproductive rights.

“When there’s a rape, nine times outta ten there’ll be a woman involved, and our female prisons are full already.

“Only last week we had to arrest a woman for failing to protect her foetus while she was being shot in the stomach, that’s the kinda mess we are in here.

“I ask you, how do we stop this? How do we stop all this raping? How do we stop all this murdering of unborn cell clusters? How do we stop this insanity? 

“We cast them out Sean, as God did to Eve, I will cast the criminals and their big titties out of our great state of Alabama.

Asked by Hannity if she’d extend the ban to herself, Ivey said, “Of course not Sean, I’m rich and white.”