The Post Truth Post

Johnson promises to cut tax on milkshake

Boris Johnson
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Boris Johnson has promised to review the so-called “sin taxes” levied on milkshakes and other sugary beverages.

The Tory Leadership contender says he wants to review whether taxes on foods high in salt, sugar and fat are effective at improving the nation’s health or just unfairly target those on a low income.

However, Mr Johnson’s critics claim the move is not about tax cuts or public health but is aimed squarely at diminishing the threat the Brexit Party pose to the Conservatives.

“Johnson is smarter than he looks, under that toddler’s haircut there is the brain of a political genius,” says political analyst and future cabinet minister, Charles Fistlove-Smyth.

“Boris knows that Nigel Farage and his Brexit Party could easily win the next general election, and the only thing that will stop them is the constant threat of flying milkshake.

“It’s classic dog whistle politics from Johnson, a call to arms for the remoaners to take up their milkshakes and stop Brexit.”

Nigel Farage was unavailable for comment due to an appointment with his dry cleaner. 

Lib Dems apologise to EU for using the B-word

Lib Dem Luisa Porritt Bollocks to Brexit
Photo credit: Luisa Porritt | Twitter

Liberal Democrat MEPs will release a statement later today in which they apologise for wearing T-shirts featuring foul language during the opening of the European Parliament.

The sixteen newly appointed MEPs disrupted the first session of the Parliament yesterday by wearing bright yellow T-shirts with a slogan containing the B-word printed on them.

Shocked parliamentarians initially thought the garments were part of a protest, but it was later revealed that Sir Vince Cable has set up an online T-shirt business and the stunt was part of his viral launch campaign.

Nigel Farage was among the outraged MEPs, “Using that word, in this place, is totally unacceptable, and outrageous and crude and childish,” he said stamping his foot and using his biggest grownup words.

“When I saw it, I told my people to turn their backs and cover their eyes.

“Ann Widdecombe is 104 years old, and provocative language like that could bring on one of her funny turns.”  

Some MEPs were more forgiving, with one telling us “I understand it is your peculiar British sense of humour, with the dead parrots, the vicar who has the trousers that fall down, and the Boris Johnsons.”

A copy of the statement leaked to The Post Truth Post says: 

“We accept that entering the European Parliament with the B-word emblazoned across our backs is disrespectful to both the institution and its members.

“It is a childish and disgusting word and one that has brought great shame and embarrassment to us, our party, and most of all the people of Great Britain.

“We unreservedly apologise to the European Parliament and the people of Britain and Europe, and solemnly swear, that in future, we will refrain from using the word Brexit.”