The Post Truth Post

Alabama considers banning women from the state in bid to cut crime

Alabama bans women from the state

Alabama governor, Kay Ivey, is considering banning women from the Yellowhammer State in her ongoing battle to tackle the crimes of the female body.

Speaking on Fox News, the Governor outlined a plan to reduce the rate of crime in the southeastern American state by removing anyone that doesn’t “pack a barbecue in his pants”.

“When I look at crime in our state it’s always the womenfolk that are to blame,” the Governor told host Sean Hannity.

“We’ve got the toughest stance on abortion outside of the Taliban, and these feminists are still getting pregnant and demanding their reproductive rights.

“When there’s a rape, nine times outta ten there’ll be a woman involved, and our female prisons are full already.

“Only last week we had to arrest a woman for failing to protect her foetus while she was being shot in the stomach, that’s the kinda mess we are in here.

“I ask you, how do we stop this? How do we stop all this raping? How do we stop all this murdering of unborn cell clusters? How do we stop this insanity? 

“We cast them out Sean, as God did to Eve, I will cast the criminals and their big titties out of our great state of Alabama.

Asked by Hannity if she’d extend the ban to herself, Ivey said, “Of course not Sean, I’m rich and white.” 

Johnson to use a time-travelling bus to leave the EU before Hunt

Brexit Time Bus

As the Tory leadership race enters its thirteenth week both the remaining candidates are upping the ante with increasingly ambitious Brexit deadlines.

In a bid to outdo Jeremy Hunt’s fresh September 30th deadline, floppy fringed front runner Boris Johnson says he’ll use a magical time-travelling bus to extract the UK from the EU before it even joined the EU.

Mr Johnson is still hiding from the press so his spokesman Matt Hancock, who spent the weekend at Glastonbury despite the event’s ban on MPs, made the announcement from the Stone Circle at dawn this morning.

“The Brexit deadline is getting ever closer, but this is only because time tends to move forward,” a wide-eyed Mr Hancock told two crusties and a dog wearing pink sunglasses.

“but what if time could move backwards? I mean, like, in reverse man, Time. In. Reverse. Yeah!?”

The MP for Chester went on to explain that among Mr Johnson’s collection of Routemaster bus prototypes there was a vehicle  that could move through time and space and had fully functioning air conditioning.

Despite the apparent advantages to commuters stuck in rush hour traffic of functioning air-con and a flux capacitor, the then mayor had apparently picked the model with sealed windows and a furnace under the upper deck seats on a whim. 

“Aboard the magic time bus we’ll go back, way back, back into time, and leave the EU before we even joined the EU, and Brexit will be delivered, but we won’t have needed to have had a Brexit at all, you see?” said Mr Hancock.

“Far out,” said one of the crusties before the other one smashed the Secretary of State for Health over the head with a didgeridoo, accusing him of being an evil remoaner hell-bent on taking Brexit away and defying the will of the people.