The Post Truth Post

Johnson to use a time-travelling bus to leave the EU before Hunt

Brexit Time Bus

As the Tory leadership race enters its thirteenth week both the remaining candidates are upping the ante with increasingly ambitious Brexit deadlines.

In a bid to outdo Jeremy Hunt’s fresh September 30th deadline, floppy fringed front runner Boris Johnson says he’ll use a magical time-travelling bus to extract the UK from the EU before it even joined the EU.

Mr Johnson is still hiding from the press so his spokesman Matt Hancock, who spent the weekend at Glastonbury despite the event’s ban on MPs, made the announcement from the Stone Circle at dawn this morning.

“The Brexit deadline is getting ever closer, but this is only because time tends to move forward,” a wide-eyed Mr Hancock told two crusties and a dog wearing pink sunglasses.

“but what if time could move backwards? I mean, like, in reverse man, Time. In. Reverse. Yeah!?”

The MP for Chester went on to explain that among Mr Johnson’s collection of Routemaster bus prototypes there was a vehicle  that could move through time and space and had fully functioning air conditioning.

Despite the apparent advantages to commuters stuck in rush hour traffic of functioning air-con and a flux capacitor, the then mayor had apparently picked the model with sealed windows and a furnace under the upper deck seats on a whim. 

“Aboard the magic time bus we’ll go back, way back, back into time, and leave the EU before we even joined the EU, and Brexit will be delivered, but we won’t have needed to have had a Brexit at all, you see?” said Mr Hancock.

“Far out,” said one of the crusties before the other one smashed the Secretary of State for Health over the head with a didgeridoo, accusing him of being an evil remoaner hell-bent on taking Brexit away and defying the will of the people. 

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un record duet of I Walk the Line

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un could commemorate their historic third date by releasing a duet of the Johnny Cash hit, I Walk the Line.

The US President, Donald Trump, surprised the North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, with an impromptu visit while on his way home from the G20 summit in Japan this weekend.

This is the first time the two have spoken since Trump walked out on Kim during their romantic weekend in Vietnam earlier this year, and may signal that Kim has broken off his relationship with Vladimir Putin.

What happens in the DMZ stays in the DMZ

On Saturday, Trump tweeted a message to Chairman Kim saying, “Hey babe, just in your neighbourhood thought I’d come over say hi! That Ok? Could meet you at the border/DMZ. Call me?” 

The two leaders were later spotted smiling and holding hands while they enjoyed an afternoon stroll through the demilitarised zone that divides the two Koreas.

Stopping at the North Korean border, Mr Kim was seen to whisper something to Mr Trump before the couple skipped back and forth over the military demarcation line several times, while laughing and waving to the assembled paparazzi. 

Marking the occasion

Commentators have been quick to point out that this is not the first time the US President has crossed the line, but Mr Trump still declared it a “big moment” and “that he was proud to walk the line for Kim”.

Following their romantic walk, the pair retreated from the cameras for private talks where it is believed they also recorded a duet of the 1957 Johnny Cash song to commemorate the occasion.