As the Tory leadership race enters its thirteenth week both the remaining candidates are upping the ante with increasingly ambitious Brexit deadlines.
In a bid to outdo Jeremy Hunt’s fresh September 30th deadline, floppy fringed front runner Boris Johnson says he’ll use a magical time-travelling bus to extract the UK from the EU before it even joined the EU.
Mr Johnson is still hiding from the press so his spokesman Matt Hancock, who spent the weekend at Glastonbury despite the event’s ban on MPs, made the announcement from the Stone Circle at dawn this morning.
“The Brexit deadline is getting ever closer, but this is only because time tends to move forward,” a wide-eyed Mr Hancock told two crusties and a dog wearing pink sunglasses.
“but what if time could move backwards? I mean, like, in reverse man, Time. In. Reverse. Yeah!?”
The MP for Chester went on to explain that among Mr Johnson’s collection of Routemaster bus prototypes there was a vehicle that could move through time and space and had fully functioning air conditioning.
Despite the apparent advantages to commuters stuck in rush hour traffic of functioning air-con and a flux capacitor, the then mayor had apparently picked the model with sealed windows and a furnace under the upper deck seats on a whim.
“Aboard the magic time bus we’ll go back, way back, back into time, and leave the EU before we even joined the EU, and Brexit will be delivered, but we won’t have needed to have had a Brexit at all, you see?” said Mr Hancock.
“Far out,” said one of the crusties before the other one smashed the Secretary of State for Health over the head with a didgeridoo, accusing him of being an evil remoaner hell-bent on taking Brexit away and defying the will of the people.