The Post Truth Post

How rich are you?

Woman Shopping
Photo credit: Pexels

Harry and Meghan have just splashed £2.4m on a new kitchen and some scatter cushions, and Tory leadership contender Jeremy Hunt has an estimated personal wealth of £14m, but how rich are you? 

Just spent the weekend at Glastonbury

You may dress like a hippie but let’s face it if you can spare £250 for the ticket, £550 for falafel and cider, and £1000 for a luxury-glamping-yurt complete with Prosecco tap and a butler to hose down your Hunter wellingtons, you’re basically part of the 1%.

Conservative leadership challenger 

You are loaded compared to the ‘ordinary people’, but the real money’s on the back benches and in the Lords. To them, you’re nothing more than a lottery winner with an unused Jet Ski and an old sofa in the front garden. Time to start thinking about founding your own offshore investment fund old boy.

London beer drinker

Six quid a pint? You must be minted. Pack in the booze and retire at once.

Teacher 

Teaching is a reward in itself; you are indeed the wealthiest person in the country and therefore deserve no more handouts or pay rises from the government.

Waitrose shopper 

Congratulations you are the first in your family to be able to afford to feed the kids fair trade sustainable quinoa. Enjoy that feeling of wealth with every bland and dry mouthful. 

Blogger and influencer

You certainly look like a member of the idle rich, sat in Starbucks all day with your £3500 MacBook drafting your latest witty spoof blog entry, but the sixteen-year-old barista probably stepped over you this morning when she opened the shop. Face it, you live in an overpriced coffee shop and need to get a job.

Nurse 

See teacher and expect a pay freeze once the Tory leadership race is over. 

Investment banker

What people don’t understand is that with the kids’ school fees, the bills from the Ferrari garage, the mistress, the trophy wife, the ex-wife, and the cost of mooring a yacht in Saint-Tropez now the pound’s tanked, there’s barely change from a six-figure bonus to pay your coke dealer. The Big Issue guy should be buying you a sandwich as you ignore him on your way to lunch. 


Hunt to face Johnson in swimwear contest

Conservative Party Swimsuit Contest

Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt will face each other in the all-important swimwear round of the Conservative Party leadership race this weekend.

The contest is expected to draw a large audience of the party faithful and will take place in the Bournemouth Grande Hotel which features an ample Ballroom, unlike some of the swimwear. 

Both men are in peak physical condition, following months of early morning photo-ops while pretending to be out jogging, so the audience is in for a real treat over the seven rounds of swimsuit modelling. 

“It’s a chance for the two men to show us what they’re made of,” says Major Fishlove-Smyth, Conservative Party chair for Hastings.

“We all know that Johnny foreigner prefers a speedo, and I for one want to be sure that our future prime minister can carry himself on the world stage in a pair of budgie smugglers if he has to.

“Say what you like about Theresa May, but if she’d been negotiating in a thong, Brussels would be one of the home counties today.” 

Boris Johnson, who remains the front-runner going into the contest following a memorable performance in the Judges’ Houses round, has been careful not to reveal too much during his campaign to date; a principle the Tory grandees in the front row are particularly keen to see him uphold this weekend.

“The worst thing that could happen now is Boris coming on stage with his ‘johnson’ dangling from  the leg of his shorts again,” the Major said. 

“My wife has been barely able to look at a pork chipolata since his infamous ‘white elephant’ impression at the 2015 party conference.”