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Hunt to face Johnson in swimwear contest

Conservative Party Swimsuit Contest

Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt will face each other in the all-important swimwear round of the Conservative Party leadership race this weekend.

The contest is expected to draw a large audience of the party faithful and will take place in the Bournemouth Grande Hotel which features an ample Ballroom, unlike some of the swimwear. 

Both men are in peak physical condition, following months of early morning photo-ops while pretending to be out jogging, so the audience is in for a real treat over the seven rounds of swimsuit modelling. 

“It’s a chance for the two men to show us what they’re made of,” says Major Fishlove-Smyth, Conservative Party chair for Hastings.

“We all know that Johnny foreigner prefers a speedo, and I for one want to be sure that our future prime minister can carry himself on the world stage in a pair of budgie smugglers if he has to.

“Say what you like about Theresa May, but if she’d been negotiating in a thong, Brussels would be one of the home counties today.” 

Boris Johnson, who remains the front-runner going into the contest following a memorable performance in the Judges’ Houses round, has been careful not to reveal too much during his campaign to date; a principle the Tory grandees in the front row are particularly keen to see him uphold this weekend.

“The worst thing that could happen now is Boris coming on stage with his ‘johnson’ dangling from  the leg of his shorts again,” the Major said. 

“My wife has been barely able to look at a pork chipolata since his infamous ‘white elephant’ impression at the 2015 party conference.” 

Chuka Umunna enters Tory leadership race

MP for Streatham, Chuka Umunna, is set to shake up the Conservative leadership race later today by announcing his bid to be the next prime minister and Tory leader.

Following a short stint as a Liberal Democrat, Mr Umunna joined the Conservatives earlier this week and says he now wants to lead the party before quitting to join the Greens in the Autumn.

“What the Conservative Party are looking for is someone who can deliver Brexit, someone who really understands the complex dynamic of leaving something only to be politically and financially worse off,” political analyst Charles Fishlove-Smyth told us.

“In Chuka, I think the Tories have found that man, just look at his track record for leaving.

“He left the Labour Party at a time when Jeremy Corbyn needed his help to climb down off the fence.” 

“Now he’s left the Liberal Democrats just as they are set to regain a small amount of relevance in Westminster.”

“But most importantly, he left Change UK, in Nando’s, without paying the bill, a move which is sure to appeal to the wing of the Conservative party that’s gagging for a no-deal Brexit.

“The only black mark against Mr Umunna is that he’s always been in favour of remaining in the EU, but the same can be said about Mr Johnson and Mr Hunt so maybe that doesn’t really matter.”