The Post Truth Post

I keep dreaming about ‘scary’ Johnson says Hunt

Scary Clown
Photo credit: Pexels

Conservative leadership contender, Jeremy Hunt, admitted in an interview yesterday, that he is frequently haunted by nightmares about his rival, Boris Johnson.

Speaking on ITV's Loose Women as part of his bid to become the next PM, Hunt explained, “Boris regularly comes to me at night in the most vivid dreams. 

“He is wearing a clown mask, holding a carving knife and singing in a child's voice, ‘four more months to Halloween’ over and over." 

In the interview with host Colleen Nolan, The 52 year old Foreign Secretary said, "In the dream I try to run, but as soon as I reach a wooden sign saying ‘Irish Backstop’, I can't run any further. It’s terrifying.

“Sometimes Jeremy Corbyn and Nigel Farage are also there, dancing impishly around a bonfire and cackling while Donald Trump plays the pan pipes with his tiny hands.”

Seemingly tearful at times, a trembling Hunt explained that being selected as one of the final two in the Tory Leadership contest has been a "wonderfully surreal experience" but quickly added, “the dreams though… the dreams are so, so real…” 

When quizzed by co-host Janet Street Porter, about the possible meaning of the dream, Hunt, said that he had “no idea" but wakes up afterwards with an odd compulsion to instruct his Stockbroker to buy shares in US Medical Insurance firms.

58% of your colleagues aren’t hungover, so what’s their excuse?

A report by the Institute of Alcohol Studies (IAS) claims that 42% of people are regularly hungover at work, meaning that a staggering 58% of your colleagues have no viable excuse for their poor performance.

Workers in the hospitality and leisure sectors come out on top with 52% of those that make it into work likely to be operating with a "bastard behind the eyes" while holding down a semi-digested kebab and thirteen Espresso Martinis.

A close second are retail and construction workers who both get a free pass for turning up late and putting in a lacklustre performance on account of the massive bender they may still be on.

While if you've ever wondered why your boss makes those frankly delusional decisions, it's because she's probably still rat-arsed; 55% of people earning £60,000 admit to regularly turning up to work pissed or hungover, according to the IAS study.

Commenting on the report, productivity expert Charles Fishlove-Smyth told us, "While the IAS’ headline figure of an estimated cost to industry of £1.4 billion due to hangovers is impressive, I'd be more worried about the performance of the 58% of employees that don't have an excuse.

"Take a look around the average office, according to this report nearly sixty per cent of those people are unhindered by the long term effects of alcohol abuse or a night spent driving the porcelain bus.

"As an employer, I'd be more concerned by how shit those staff are than worrying about the ones bravely battling their way through an 8-hour shift with 50% of their brain function blitzed from drinking corner shop vodka on a school night.”