The Post Truth Post

58% of your colleagues aren’t hungover, so what’s their excuse?

A report by the Institute of Alcohol Studies (IAS) claims that 42% of people are regularly hungover at work, meaning that a staggering 58% of your colleagues have no viable excuse for their poor performance.

Workers in the hospitality and leisure sectors come out on top with 52% of those that make it into work likely to be operating with a "bastard behind the eyes" while holding down a semi-digested kebab and thirteen Espresso Martinis.

A close second are retail and construction workers who both get a free pass for turning up late and putting in a lacklustre performance on account of the massive bender they may still be on.

While if you've ever wondered why your boss makes those frankly delusional decisions, it's because she's probably still rat-arsed; 55% of people earning £60,000 admit to regularly turning up to work pissed or hungover, according to the IAS study.

Commenting on the report, productivity expert Charles Fishlove-Smyth told us, "While the IAS’ headline figure of an estimated cost to industry of £1.4 billion due to hangovers is impressive, I'd be more worried about the performance of the 58% of employees that don't have an excuse.

"Take a look around the average office, according to this report nearly sixty per cent of those people are unhindered by the long term effects of alcohol abuse or a night spent driving the porcelain bus.

"As an employer, I'd be more concerned by how shit those staff are than worrying about the ones bravely battling their way through an 8-hour shift with 50% of their brain function blitzed from drinking corner shop vodka on a school night.”

BBC issue apology after viewer confuses Have I Got News for You with Question Time

Fiona Bruce - BBC Question Time
Photo credit: BBC - Question Time

The BBC has apologised to a viewer who confused flagship satirical news panel show, Have I Got News For You, with flagship political shouty programme Question Time.

The incident occurred on Friday night when Mark Fistlove, 56, of Muswell Hill switched on his television hoping to see Fiona Bruce being shouted at by a hundred and fifty or so angry remoaners.

Despite the clear image of both HIGNFY regular team captains, Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, alongside celebrity host Frank Skinner and guest comedians Nish Kumar and David Baddiel on his 60” QLED tv, Mr Fistlove remained convinced that it was Thursday and he was watching Question Time.

Refusing to check the TV guide, a calendar or even the last remnants of his ability to reason, an incensed Mr Fistlove took to Twitter to complain about the appalling quality of political coverage from the BBC.

“Typical communist propaganda from biased BBC Question Time tonight!!! Bunch of lefty ‘so-called’ comedians and they aren’t even allowing questions from the audience anymore #bbcqt.” he tweeted.

Disappointed that the inclusion of the #bbcqt hashtag didn’t result in the usual flurry of supportive tweets, Mr Fistlove upped the ante, tweeting:

“@BBCQuestionTime Your show on Friday night was a f*ucking disgrace where’s your so-called balance. Five sh*t comedians and no Brexit Party. #BBCQT #LICENCEFEETAX #FREEJIMDAVISON #MMRMAKESYOUTHICK #WWFRULES.”

The BBC say they are keeping details of their formal apology to Mr Fistlove confidential but confirmed that one had been issued, a spokesman telling us: 

“Punters confusing satire for news is increasingly problematic.

“We try our best to signpost comedy shows with continuity announcements, a snappy theme tune and appearances for Boris Johnson, but people just don’t seem to pick up on the clues anymore.

“For instance, I expect there will be people that mistake this article for news and others who will comment on it on Facebook without reading it or checking the source; it’s just the way of the world I suppose.

“Fundamentally though, given the bullshit that gets reported in the tabloids, I doubt it makes that much difference what people believe anymore.”