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Tory leadership decided with game of Whiff-Whaff

Brexit Table Tennis

Boris Johnson will face Jeremy Hunt across the Whiff-Whaff table in the final sporting round of the Conservative leadership contest. 

The Tory leadership battle has entered its final stage with the serious candidate, along with Sajid Javid, Dominic Raab and Michael Gove, eliminated in the Judges' Houses round.

Under the arcane rules of the 1922 Committee the two remaining, or indeed Brexiting, candidates must now face each other “mano a mano”. 

Traditionally the final round of the selection process has been a fight to the death, but the rules have once again been amended in favour of Mr Johnson, who is not allowed near sharp objects on health and safety grounds. 

With pistols also ruled out over fears that both candidates could sustain serious foot injuries, further delaying the anointment of Theresa May's successor, the next prime minister will now be the first man to score 11 points at the Whiff-Whaff table. 

The game of Whiff-Whaff, or Table Tennis if you were born after 1892, features two grown men batting a lightweight ball back and forth until one drops it and a point is scored, much like Prime Minister's Questions.

Success in the game requires an expert application of spin, giving Mr Johnson a natural advantage, but backers of the "Big Rice" have pointed out that Mr Hunt has occasionally described his wife as Chinese, and that she may have been coaching him on his ball control.  

The match will not be televised as broadcasters agree the public has already seen enough coverage of sweaty old Etonians frantically paddling their balls in the hope of becoming the next prime minister.


Five Tory hopefuls through to Judges’ Houses round

Boris Johnson and Louis Walsh

The remaining five candidates in the Conservative leadership contest travelled to a variety of exotic locations on Tuesday night for the penultimate, Judges' Houses round. 

Bookies' favourite, Boris Johnson, who flew to Nice to perform in front of Louis Walsh and Conservative Party chairman Brandon Lewis, more than made up for his recent no-show on Channel Four's Leader's Debate. 

Rehearsal footage, leaked on YouTube, shows the MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip performing a rousing rendition of Kylie Minogue's Millennium hit - Spinning Around. 

The 30-second video clip shows a coy Johnson delivering the final line of the verse - “And did I forget to mention that I found a new direction / And it leads back to me?”, directly into the camera before ripping off his trousers Full Monty style.

Challenger Jeremy Hunt, who qualified for the round with 46 votes, travelled to Simon Cowell's luxury villa in Spain where he sang Spitting Image’s 1986 classic - I've Never Met a Nice South African.

Joining the Syco impresario, MP for North Somerset and ERG Grand Wizard, Jacob Rees-Mogg said of Hunt’s performance:

“It was an odd song choice for a Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, and Jeremy was pitchy in places. 

“While I wholeheartedly agree with the lyrical subtext of the number, it’s still Boris for me I’m afraid.”

Rory Stewart is believed to have recorded a raw and authentic version of the Proclaimers’ hit - 500 Miles - using nothing more than his iPhone and a Zither he picked up at a Bazaar in Afghanistan.  

The penultimate round will see Home Secretary Sajid Javid reach out to the so-called “left behind” with an orchestral version of Morrissey’s 2004 bonus track - Teenage Dad On His Estate.

Dominic Raab, who launched his leadership campaign by vowing to explore the English Channel, was hoping that Rod Stewart’s - Sailing, would see him sail through to the final round but sank scoring only 30 votes.

However, the highlight of the next round is expected to be Michael Gove's ballad version of the 1983 hip-hop classic - White Lines.

Performed in front of judge Mel B and outgoing Prime Minister, Theresa May, the cover is said by industry insiders to be better than the original. 

"You sounded like you felt every second of that,” said the tearful Spice Girl after Gove’s heart-wrenching performance.