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Five Tory hopefuls through to Judges’ Houses round

Boris Johnson and Louis Walsh

The remaining five candidates in the Conservative leadership contest travelled to a variety of exotic locations on Tuesday night for the penultimate, Judges' Houses round. 

Bookies' favourite, Boris Johnson, who flew to Nice to perform in front of Louis Walsh and Conservative Party chairman Brandon Lewis, more than made up for his recent no-show on Channel Four's Leader's Debate. 

Rehearsal footage, leaked on YouTube, shows the MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip performing a rousing rendition of Kylie Minogue's Millennium hit - Spinning Around. 

The 30-second video clip shows a coy Johnson delivering the final line of the verse - “And did I forget to mention that I found a new direction / And it leads back to me?”, directly into the camera before ripping off his trousers Full Monty style.

Challenger Jeremy Hunt, who qualified for the round with 46 votes, travelled to Simon Cowell's luxury villa in Spain where he sang Spitting Image’s 1986 classic - I've Never Met a Nice South African.

Joining the Syco impresario, MP for North Somerset and ERG Grand Wizard, Jacob Rees-Mogg said of Hunt’s performance:

“It was an odd song choice for a Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, and Jeremy was pitchy in places. 

“While I wholeheartedly agree with the lyrical subtext of the number, it’s still Boris for me I’m afraid.”

Rory Stewart is believed to have recorded a raw and authentic version of the Proclaimers’ hit - 500 Miles - using nothing more than his iPhone and a Zither he picked up at a Bazaar in Afghanistan.  

The penultimate round will see Home Secretary Sajid Javid reach out to the so-called “left behind” with an orchestral version of Morrissey’s 2004 bonus track - Teenage Dad On His Estate.

Dominic Raab, who launched his leadership campaign by vowing to explore the English Channel, was hoping that Rod Stewart’s - Sailing, would see him sail through to the final round but sank scoring only 30 votes.

However, the highlight of the next round is expected to be Michael Gove's ballad version of the 1983 hip-hop classic - White Lines.

Performed in front of judge Mel B and outgoing Prime Minister, Theresa May, the cover is said by industry insiders to be better than the original. 

"You sounded like you felt every second of that,” said the tearful Spice Girl after Gove’s heart-wrenching performance. 

Poorly trained carrier pigeon scuppered Rees-Mogg’s leadership bid

Chris Greywing
Photo credit: StockUnlimited

Jacob Rees-Mogg missed the deadline to enter the Tory leadership battle when the carrier pigeon entrusted to deliver his nomination got lost, it has been revealed today.

Mr Rees-Mogg is understood to have completed his application to enter the Conservative leadership race on Friday morning, signing the document in the traditional pig’s blood before sealing it with wax extracted from the ears of peasants working in the Beats headphone factory. 

With London a full three days carriage ride from his North Somerset constituency, the MP elected to dispatch his submission to the 1922 Committee by the quickest and most modern means available to him.

A boy was dispatched to the village to acquire the fastest racing pigeon that money could buy as foxes, which have run rampant since that awful Blair fellow banned their legal hunting and maiming, had recently ransacked the Rees-Mogg’s pigeon coop killing several prize birds. 

Assured by the bloke in the village pub that “Chris Greywing” was a prize-winning bird and could make London in under four hours, the boy returned to his master with the feathered messenger.

With the completed leadership application strapped to his leg, Chris Greywing was released and flapped off in the general direction of London. 

Satisfied that the 1922 Committee couldn’t possibly choose one of those dreadful oiks over him, Mr Rees-Mogg retired to his study to continue his work illuminating a Latin translation of the EU Withdrawal bill.

Little is known about what happened to Chris Greywing over the next seven days until he was spotted getting a right pecking from a gang of London street pigeons on an estate in Hackney. 

Rescued by a member of the RSPB, Chris Greywing was delivered to the House of Commons where he flapped about a bit before shitting on the Speaker's Chair to rapturous applause from the Tory benches. 

Unfortunately, Chris Greywing’s incompetence means Jacob Rees-Mogg missed the deadline for entering the leadership race and will have to content himself with spending the next five years trying to bring down the winner from the backbenches.