The Post Truth Post

Poorly trained carrier pigeon scuppered Rees-Mogg’s leadership bid

Chris Greywing
Photo credit: StockUnlimited

Jacob Rees-Mogg missed the deadline to enter the Tory leadership battle when the carrier pigeon entrusted to deliver his nomination got lost, it has been revealed today.

Mr Rees-Mogg is understood to have completed his application to enter the Conservative leadership race on Friday morning, signing the document in the traditional pig’s blood before sealing it with wax extracted from the ears of peasants working in the Beats headphone factory. 

With London a full three days carriage ride from his North Somerset constituency, the MP elected to dispatch his submission to the 1922 Committee by the quickest and most modern means available to him.

A boy was dispatched to the village to acquire the fastest racing pigeon that money could buy as foxes, which have run rampant since that awful Blair fellow banned their legal hunting and maiming, had recently ransacked the Rees-Mogg’s pigeon coop killing several prize birds. 

Assured by the bloke in the village pub that “Chris Greywing” was a prize-winning bird and could make London in under four hours, the boy returned to his master with the feathered messenger.

With the completed leadership application strapped to his leg, Chris Greywing was released and flapped off in the general direction of London. 

Satisfied that the 1922 Committee couldn’t possibly choose one of those dreadful oiks over him, Mr Rees-Mogg retired to his study to continue his work illuminating a Latin translation of the EU Withdrawal bill.

Little is known about what happened to Chris Greywing over the next seven days until he was spotted getting a right pecking from a gang of London street pigeons on an estate in Hackney. 

Rescued by a member of the RSPB, Chris Greywing was delivered to the House of Commons where he flapped about a bit before shitting on the Speaker's Chair to rapturous applause from the Tory benches. 

Unfortunately, Chris Greywing’s incompetence means Jacob Rees-Mogg missed the deadline for entering the leadership race and will have to content himself with spending the next five years trying to bring down the winner from the backbenches. 

Gove lays out his white lines for future Brexit negotiations

Michael Gove

Michael Gove says he would replace Theresa May’s infamous red lines with some fresh white lines of his own in the hope of livening up the Brexit negotiations.

Speaking on the third day of his Tory leadership campaign, the Environment Secretary blamed Mrs May’s red lines for her failure to seal a Brexit deal and said that only he could bring fresh vigour to the negotiations.

In an energetic speech, Gove told reporters that he had the energy to negotiate all night if that’s what it takes to score the deal of a life time in Brussels. 

“I have a long track record for defining the sort of white lines that help, not hinder, a negotiation,” Gove said while incessantly rubbing and pinching at the end of his nose.

“Unlike Theresa’s red lines my white lines are guaranteed to get all parties huddled around the negotiating table.

“The former prime minister’s red lines are seen as a negative by the EU but my white lines will leave European negotiators feeling positive about Britain and positive about Brexit.

“With my white lines I will deliver us the pure, uncut, Brexit deal that this country has been jonesing for for three years.”

Asked if he’d accept a no deal scenario, Gove told reporters.

“Look I’ve negotiated substantial deals with some pretty tough characters in my time and I’ve always walked away with the goods.”