The Post Truth Post

Gove lays out his white lines for future Brexit negotiations

Michael Gove

Michael Gove says he would replace Theresa May’s infamous red lines with some fresh white lines of his own in the hope of livening up the Brexit negotiations.

Speaking on the third day of his Tory leadership campaign, the Environment Secretary blamed Mrs May’s red lines for her failure to seal a Brexit deal and said that only he could bring fresh vigour to the negotiations.

In an energetic speech, Gove told reporters that he had the energy to negotiate all night if that’s what it takes to score the deal of a life time in Brussels. 

“I have a long track record for defining the sort of white lines that help, not hinder, a negotiation,” Gove said while incessantly rubbing and pinching at the end of his nose.

“Unlike Theresa’s red lines my white lines are guaranteed to get all parties huddled around the negotiating table.

“The former prime minister’s red lines are seen as a negative by the EU but my white lines will leave European negotiators feeling positive about Britain and positive about Brexit.

“With my white lines I will deliver us the pure, uncut, Brexit deal that this country has been jonesing for for three years.”

Asked if he’d accept a no deal scenario, Gove told reporters.

“Look I’ve negotiated substantial deals with some pretty tough characters in my time and I’ve always walked away with the goods.” 

Cameron: I smoked crack before deciding to hold referendum

David Cameron

Former PM David Cameron has admitted that he made a “grave error of judgement” by smoking the Class A drug ‘Crack’ Cocaine before announcing the decision to hold a referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union in February 2016.

“I profoundly regret smoking crack but I was under a great deal of stress at the time,” said Cameron yesterday. 

“You must realise that 2016 was a very different time. I was depressed. People were struggling with the impact of austerity measures back then… albeit austerity measures that I introduced,” added the former MP for Witney.

Grass roots members of the Conservative Party are said to be shocked by this latest revelation, which follows a string of leadership contenders confessing past experiences with illegal narcotics. 

“We were upset  about the pig,” explained one local Conservative counsellor from Worthing, “but to find out he was ‘on the pipe’ before making one of the most important decisions in our nation’s history is unforgivable.”

Tory Grandees are also believed to be furious with the ex-PM. One senior minister, who declined to be named, recalled Mr Cameron’s behaviour in the weeks before the announcement to hold the vote: 

“I remember that he was displaying erratic behaviour; staying up late, screaming at people in the street for no reason, and then, of course, deciding to hold the Brexit Referendum…well now we know why.”

A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police explained that they would not be investigating the claims but warned, “actions like these are dangerous and can destroy lives. We would urge members of the public to never consider holding any kind of referendum at any time.”