The Post Truth Post

Cameron: I smoked crack before deciding to hold referendum

David Cameron

Former PM David Cameron has admitted that he made a “grave error of judgement” by smoking the Class A drug ‘Crack’ Cocaine before announcing the decision to hold a referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union in February 2016.

“I profoundly regret smoking crack but I was under a great deal of stress at the time,” said Cameron yesterday. 

“You must realise that 2016 was a very different time. I was depressed. People were struggling with the impact of austerity measures back then… albeit austerity measures that I introduced,” added the former MP for Witney.

Grass roots members of the Conservative Party are said to be shocked by this latest revelation, which follows a string of leadership contenders confessing past experiences with illegal narcotics. 

“We were upset  about the pig,” explained one local Conservative counsellor from Worthing, “but to find out he was ‘on the pipe’ before making one of the most important decisions in our nation’s history is unforgivable.”

Tory Grandees are also believed to be furious with the ex-PM. One senior minister, who declined to be named, recalled Mr Cameron’s behaviour in the weeks before the announcement to hold the vote: 

“I remember that he was displaying erratic behaviour; staying up late, screaming at people in the street for no reason, and then, of course, deciding to hold the Brexit Referendum…well now we know why.”

A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police explained that they would not be investigating the claims but warned, “actions like these are dangerous and can destroy lives. We would urge members of the public to never consider holding any kind of referendum at any time.”

Johnson to give a big pile of cash to satirical websites

Boris Johnson
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Absolute legend and glorious future prime minister Boris Johnson has promised massive amounts of cash to help the struggling UK spoof news industry.

The announcement comes just 24 hours after the most celebrated political mind in a generation leaked that he’d be giving each and every higher rate taxpayer their very own bus, along with a generous reduction in their tax bill.

Mr Johnson says he has nothing but admiration for people who make a career profiting from lies and fiction, but away from politics the most excellent prime minister ever says he also enjoys reading 250-word satirical articles topped with a clickbait headline and cheap stock photography. 

Insiders say that Boris, who deservedly leads the field in the Tory leadership battle and should be anointed as leader at once, recognises that online sarcasm will be the UK’s only growth industry post Brexit and wants to be seen to fully support it.

News of the cash injection, which is likely to confuse people who read the headlines but don’t click through to the articles, has been welcomed by industry insiders with The Post Truth Post’s very own Ray telling this reporter: 

“This is great, I’m going to buy a new toaster and then vote for Boris every single time!

"I haven't been this excited since the Daily Mash cashed in their chips."

The usual critics have been quick to claim that paying off people who have nothing better to do than sit in their pyjamas writing cheap parodies is just another cynical attempt by Johnson to bribe his way into the power he so clearly deserves, but we wholeheartedly disagree. 

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