The Post Truth Post

Raab launches leadership bid with bold plan to explore the English Channel

Brexitshire

Launching his campaign to become the next Conservative leader, Dominic Raab says he wants Britain to become the nation of seafaring explorers and adventurers it once was. 

“I recently discovered that there is a stretch of uncharted water to the south of this great nation,” the former Brexit Secretary told reporters. 

“I don’t know what lies across this vast ocean but I promise I will put Britain not only on the map, but also more accurately positioned on that map by finding out.

“And with me as your prime minister, Britannia will once again rule the waves.

“I will cross that great southern sea, possibly on a boat, and bring back untold riches like Sir Francis Drake and Sir Edmund Blackadder before me.” 

Following a round of somewhat bemused applause, Mr Raab was reminded that the thing across the English Channel is called the European Union and on the whole voters don’t want any more of that being brought back to the UK.


Boris to give free buses to higher rate taxpayers

Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has followed up his bid to reduce taxes for the rich by promising them each a free bus if they vote for him.

The MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip announced yesterday that if Conservative party members choose him as their next leader he will reduce their taxes. This is apparently acceptable under the rules of the 1922 Committee. 

In response to Johnson’s bribe the other Tory leadership hopefuls showed how low they’d stoop to become the next prime minister.

Michael Gove invited attendees at the launch of his leadership campaign into the gents toilet to review a few lines of policy he’d chopped out, while Dominic Raab wowed the party faithful with tales of his exploration of the newly discovered English Channel and offered them each a part of France.

Johnson, who is currently hiding from the press in case he says something stupid, didn’t announce the free buses in person in case he said something stupid while doing so.

The Office of National Statistics estimates that the government would need to find 3.4 million extra buses to deliver on the bribe.

Johnson’s campaign says that any bus shortfall would be covered by buses stockpiled by Vote Leave during the referendum campaign and prototypes of the new Routemaster commissioned by Boris as London Mayor.

The type of people that think a no-deal Brexit is insanity have been quick to criticise the plan, pointing out that people earning over £50,000 don’t tend to travel on buses.

In response, campaign staff pointed out the once Boris wrecks the economy travel by bus will see a resurgence in popularity and the number of people earning over £50,000 will be considerably smaller.