The Post Truth Post

Boris to give free buses to higher rate taxpayers

Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has followed up his bid to reduce taxes for the rich by promising them each a free bus if they vote for him.

The MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip announced yesterday that if Conservative party members choose him as their next leader he will reduce their taxes. This is apparently acceptable under the rules of the 1922 Committee. 

In response to Johnson’s bribe the other Tory leadership hopefuls showed how low they’d stoop to become the next prime minister.

Michael Gove invited attendees at the launch of his leadership campaign into the gents toilet to review a few lines of policy he’d chopped out, while Dominic Raab wowed the party faithful with tales of his exploration of the newly discovered English Channel and offered them each a part of France.

Johnson, who is currently hiding from the press in case he says something stupid, didn’t announce the free buses in person in case he said something stupid while doing so.

The Office of National Statistics estimates that the government would need to find 3.4 million extra buses to deliver on the bribe.

Johnson’s campaign says that any bus shortfall would be covered by buses stockpiled by Vote Leave during the referendum campaign and prototypes of the new Routemaster commissioned by Boris as London Mayor.

The type of people that think a no-deal Brexit is insanity have been quick to criticise the plan, pointing out that people earning over £50,000 don’t tend to travel on buses.

In response, campaign staff pointed out the once Boris wrecks the economy travel by bus will see a resurgence in popularity and the number of people earning over £50,000 will be considerably smaller.

Johnson confirms he’s not on drugs, to the surprise of everyone

Boris Johnson
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Panel show host Boris Johnson has bucked the trend among Tory leadership hopefuls by announcing that he has never taken drugs.

The admission, which has surprised pretty much everyone that has ever heard him speak, follows a week in which contenders for the Tory throne have taken turns at trying to make snorting a single line of coke at a house party in the early nineties sound like an outtake from Trainspotting that was considered too gritty for cinema audiences.

Despite numerous appearances on Have I Got News For You, Johnson is alleged to have always maintained a straight edge, leading some commentators to reevaluate his career to date.

“You’re telling me that the time he was filmed dangling from a zip wire in his suit he was straight?”, drugs expert and former Happy Mondays roadie Dazzer Fishlove said. 

“And that the Garden Bridge wasn’t dreamt up after a three-day mushroom binge or in the blue haze of a Westminster opium den?

“And his claims that Muslim women are disguising themselves as letterboxes are not the paranoid delusions of a mind wrecked by years of substance abuse and thus can only be seen as racist? 

“Fuck off, the guy must be high as a kite.” 

While much of Johnson’s career and public persona now make considerably less sense with the knowledge that he wasn’t off his tits at the time, even supporters suspect that his continued backing of a no-deal Brexit can only be informed by some Jim Morrison strength psychedelics.