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Johnson confirms he’s not on drugs, to the surprise of everyone

Boris Johnson
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Panel show host Boris Johnson has bucked the trend among Tory leadership hopefuls by announcing that he has never taken drugs.

The admission, which has surprised pretty much everyone that has ever heard him speak, follows a week in which contenders for the Tory throne have taken turns at trying to make snorting a single line of coke at a house party in the early nineties sound like an outtake from Trainspotting that was considered too gritty for cinema audiences.

Despite numerous appearances on Have I Got News For You, Johnson is alleged to have always maintained a straight edge, leading some commentators to reevaluate his career to date.

“You’re telling me that the time he was filmed dangling from a zip wire in his suit he was straight?”, drugs expert and former Happy Mondays roadie Dazzer Fishlove said. 

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“And that the Garden Bridge wasn’t dreamt up after a three-day mushroom binge or in the blue haze of a Westminster opium den?

“And his claims that Muslim women are disguising themselves as letterboxes are not the paranoid delusions of a mind wrecked by years of substance abuse and thus can only be seen as racist? 

“Fuck off, the guy must be high as a kite.” 

While much of Johnson’s career and public persona now make considerably less sense with the knowledge that he wasn’t off his tits at the time, even supporters suspect that his continued backing of a no-deal Brexit can only be informed by some Jim Morrison strength psychedelics.

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