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Panel show host Boris Johnson has bucked the trend among Tory leadership hopefuls by announcing that he has never taken drugs.
The admission, which has surprised pretty much everyone that has ever heard him speak, follows a week in which contenders for the Tory throne have taken turns at trying to make snorting a single line of coke at a house party in the early nineties sound like an outtake from Trainspotting that was considered too gritty for cinema audiences.
Despite numerous appearances on Have I Got News For You, Johnson is alleged to have always maintained a straight edge, leading some commentators to reevaluate his career to date.
“You’re telling me that the time he was filmed dangling from a zip wire in his suit he was straight?”, drugs expert and former Happy Mondays roadie Dazzer Fishlove said.
“And that the Garden Bridge wasn’t dreamt up after a three-day mushroom binge or in the blue haze of a Westminster opium den?
“And his claims that Muslim women are disguising themselves as letterboxes are not the paranoid delusions of a mind wrecked by years of substance abuse and thus can only be seen as racist?
“Fuck off, the guy must be high as a kite.”
While much of Johnson’s career and public persona now make considerably less sense with the knowledge that he wasn’t off his tits at the time, even supporters suspect that his continued backing of a no-deal Brexit can only be informed by some Jim Morrison strength psychedelics.
Theresa May officially stands down as leader of the Conservative Party on Friday and fires the starting pistol on the contest to find Britain’s next Tory leader and prime minister.
Entering the competition couldn’t be easier, simply grab as many column inches as possible in your right-wing newspaper of choice and submit your nomination by Monday 17:00 BST.
But once you’ve entered how could your leadership bid fall at the first hurdle? Here are five of the most frequent pitfalls.
Never trust your friends
You’ve been good chums since you smashed up that curry house together at Cambridge, but that just means he knows where you buried the pigs' bodies and what you did to the heads. Crush him before he crushes you.
We’ve all got a past, make sure you meticulously delete yours, then leave Twitter to the trolls and Trump. No good ever came out of a 2 am tweet anyway.
Playing the parent card
Everyone knows that people with children are superior in every single way, and cabinet meetings are a lot like a family meal with nineteen teenage sons, but no need to rub it in old girl. Don’t go on record as saying that a woman with an intact pelvic floor can’t be trusted to run the country.
Remember “Brexit means Brexit” and that’s all. Articulating a plan will leave you vulnerable to having that plan scrutinised by remoaners, the BBC and worse still seventeen million Brexiteers. Better to just keep kicking that can down the road for two or three years.
Sure you’re not doing anything that joe voter hasn’t seen on PornHub a million times before but remember the core party membership are by definition "conservative". Rumours about a blood orange, a donkey, two Romanian gymnasts and your blubbery arse cheeks won’t go down well over afternoon tea in the home counties.