The Post Truth Post

Five ways to lose a Tory leadership race

Face Palm

Theresa May officially stands down as leader of the Conservative Party on Friday and fires the starting pistol on the contest to find Britain’s next Tory leader and prime minister.

Entering the competition couldn’t be easier, simply grab as many column inches as possible in your right-wing newspaper of choice and submit your nomination by Monday 17:00 BST. 

But once you’ve entered how could your leadership bid fall at the first hurdle? Here are five of the most frequent pitfalls. 

Never trust your friends

You’ve been good chums since you smashed up that curry house together at Cambridge, but that just means he knows where you buried the pigs' bodies and what you did to the heads. Crush him before he crushes you. 

Racist Tweet 

We’ve all got a past, make sure you meticulously delete yours, then leave Twitter to the trolls and Trump. No good ever came out of a 2 am tweet anyway.

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Playing the parent card

Everyone knows that people with children are superior in every single way, and cabinet meetings are a lot like a family meal with nineteen teenage sons, but no need to rub it in old girl. Don’t go on record as saying that a woman with an intact pelvic floor can’t be trusted to run the country.

Brexit 

Remember “Brexit means Brexit” and that’s all. Articulating a plan will leave you vulnerable to having that plan scrutinised by remoaners, the BBC and worse still seventeen million Brexiteers. Better to just keep kicking that can down the road for two or three years.

Sex scandal

Sure you’re not doing anything that joe voter hasn’t seen on PornHub a million times before but remember the core party membership are by definition "conservative". Rumours about a blood orange, a donkey, two Romanian gymnasts and your blubbery arse cheeks won’t go down well over afternoon tea in the home counties. 

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