The Post Truth Post

Five ways to lose a Tory leadership race

Face Palm

Theresa May officially stands down as leader of the Conservative Party on Friday and fires the starting pistol on the contest to find Britain’s next Tory leader and prime minister.

Entering the competition couldn’t be easier, simply grab as many column inches as possible in your right-wing newspaper of choice and submit your nomination by Monday 17:00 BST. 

But once you’ve entered how could your leadership bid fall at the first hurdle? Here are five of the most frequent pitfalls. 

Never trust your friends

You’ve been good chums since you smashed up that curry house together at Cambridge, but that just means he knows where you buried the pigs' bodies and what you did to the heads. Crush him before he crushes you. 

Racist Tweet 

We’ve all got a past, make sure you meticulously delete yours, then leave Twitter to the trolls and Trump. No good ever came out of a 2 am tweet anyway.

Playing the parent card

Everyone knows that people with children are superior in every single way, and cabinet meetings are a lot like a family meal with nineteen teenage sons, but no need to rub it in old girl. Don’t go on record as saying that a woman with an intact pelvic floor can’t be trusted to run the country.

Brexit 

Remember “Brexit means Brexit” and that’s all. Articulating a plan will leave you vulnerable to having that plan scrutinised by remoaners, the BBC and worse still seventeen million Brexiteers. Better to just keep kicking that can down the road for two or three years.

Sex scandal

Sure you’re not doing anything that joe voter hasn’t seen on PornHub a million times before but remember the core party membership are by definition "conservative". Rumours about a blood orange, a donkey, two Romanian gymnasts and your blubbery arse cheeks won’t go down well over afternoon tea in the home counties. 


Party of splitters, splits

Change UK Split

Six members of the Independent Group have independently become even more independent by leaving the other five and will now stand independently as independent MPs.  

The Independent Group, which rebranded as Change UK ahead of the European Parliamentary elections, was formed earlier this year by MPs defecting from the Labour and Conservative parties. 

Change UK’s eleven founding MPs stated reasons as diverse as needing a passport and not getting a Valentine’s card from Jeremy Corbyn for leaving their political homes to move into the Westminster equivalent of a bedsit above Nando’s.

Following a ten-minute press conference in March, the Independent Group all but disappeared from view, leading some pundits to predict this split is the first step toward several former members being invited to appear on Question Time this week.

John Fishlove, one of the five people that voted for Change UK, says he’ll still support the party following the split.

“Look, they’re all about being different from the big traditional parties,” he said.

“So ask yourself this, which other party can get all their MPs in an Uber?”

Anna Soubry inherits the role of leader from Heidi Allen who, along with Chuka Umunna, Sarah Wollaston, Angela Smith, Luciana Berger and Gavin Shuker, will be hoping to get a call from the Andrew Marr show this Sunday. 

Ms Soubry, who walked away from the Conservative party in March, said she was disappointed the split had come “at such a crucial time in politics,” and without any hint of irony told the BBC:

“Now is not the time to walk away, but instead to roll up our sleeves and stand up for the sensible mainstream centre ground which is underrepresented in British Politics today.”