The Post Truth Post

Party of splitters, splits

Change UK Split

Six members of the Independent Group have independently become even more independent by leaving the other five and will now stand independently as independent MPs.  

The Independent Group, which rebranded as Change UK ahead of the European Parliamentary elections, was formed earlier this year by MPs defecting from the Labour and Conservative parties. 

Change UK’s eleven founding MPs stated reasons as diverse as needing a passport and not getting a Valentine’s card from Jeremy Corbyn for leaving their political homes to move into the Westminster equivalent of a bedsit above Nando’s.

Following a ten-minute press conference in March, the Independent Group all but disappeared from view, leading some pundits to predict this split is the first step toward several former members being invited to appear on Question Time this week.

John Fishlove, one of the five people that voted for Change UK, says he’ll still support the party following the split.

“Look, they’re all about being different from the big traditional parties,” he said.

“So ask yourself this, which other party can get all their MPs in an Uber?”

Anna Soubry inherits the role of leader from Heidi Allen who, along with Chuka Umunna, Sarah Wollaston, Angela Smith, Luciana Berger and Gavin Shuker, will be hoping to get a call from the Andrew Marr show this Sunday. 

Ms Soubry, who walked away from the Conservative party in March, said she was disappointed the split had come “at such a crucial time in politics,” and without any hint of irony told the BBC:

“Now is not the time to walk away, but instead to roll up our sleeves and stand up for the sensible mainstream centre ground which is underrepresented in British Politics today.”

US embassy on lockdown after the President requests a British milkshake

Donald Trump
Photo credit: Depositphotos

Donald Trump's security detail are at DEFCON 1 this afternoon after their charge suggested he'd like to try a British milkshake before he leaves the UK.

Mr Trump, who remarkably navigated a full state banquet without tweeting about the lack of chlorine in his chicken or trying to buy Buckingham Palace, demanded that aides find him someone who could deliver a milkshake.

Sources close to the candyfloss-topped commander in chief say that Nigel Farage had warned the President to "look out for the milkshake" on his UK trip. 

Seemingly taking the Brexit Party leader’s advice as a recommendation, the leader of the free world was adamant that he wanted a milkshake “exactly like the one Nigel had”.

“Look Nigel runs this little island and if he says the milkshake’s good then I want a milkshake, so bring me someone with a goddamn milkshake,” Trump bellowed while shaking one tiny little fist.

Chefs at the US Embassy quickly produced a Michelin star quality strawberry favoured lactose beverage, but Mr Trump demanded that he wanted a “Brit one like Nigel’s been raving about”. 

Exasperated with his staff, the President retired to his private bathroom and expelled a tweet.

“Brits!!! This is your President, and I’m going to give Scotland to the first one of you that brings me a thick creamy milkshake.” 

Response to the Presidential request has been unprecedented with thousands of people arriving at the US embassy throughout the afternoon.

At first, embassy staff thought the vast crowd were just the Conservative leadership candidates arriving to suck up to the President until a Marine guard noticed that they were all brandishing milkshakes.