The Post Truth Post

Grayling throws hat into the ring for Tory leadership contest and misses

Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling has become the twelfth Conservative MP to signal their intent to run for leadership of the party, having chucked his hat at a mini-roundabout in Basingstoke.

The Transport Secretary was visiting the Hampshire town to officially open a newly painted mini-roundabout that will form the backbone of the Government's flagship £2.5bn Roads to Riches scheme.

Mr Grayling was delivering a speech to local dignitaries on the history and importance of mini-roundabouts to the economy of the Brighton Hill area when he announced the decision to run.

Bystanders report that he became transfixed by the white circle laid out on the fresh black tarmacadam and stopped mid-speech as if in a trance.

Aides stepped in to help him, but the MP for Epsom and Ewell brushed them aside and resumed addressing the crowd of four or five people from the Basingstoke Roundabout Appreciation Society.

“The timely departure of Theresa May has left a hole in the centre of this country,” he said.

“It is a hole that I not only wish to fill but one that I will endeavour to dig myself out of.” 

The crowd looked on with somewhat puzzled expressions as Mr Grayling continued to talk about holes and Brexit for a while, before concluding.

“So it is with great pride that I hereby throw my hat into the ring to be the next Conservative leader.”

Mr Grayling then attempted to throw a bobble hat at the roundabout, missing by several feet.

EU milkshake vendors prepare for the arrival of new MEPs

Members of the Federation of European Milkshake Vendors say they will be ready to meet the expected increase in demand for milky drinks when the newly elected MEPs arrive later this week.

Federation chair Leenaert Janssens says his members have been following events in the UK and will increase the supply of large and extra large milkshakes in the three cities that host The European Parliament.

In the lead up to the European Parliamentary election, Nigel Farage and other Brexit Party candidates were subjected to a number of viscous milkshake attacks while on the campaign trail.

News coverage of the lactose saturated Brexiteers resulted in a spike in milkshake sales in the UK; a trend that European suppliers are now keen to cash in on.

Despite the scent of stale milk, tweed, and too many right-wing meetings, the Brexit Party topped the polls in the UK receiving 31.6% of the vote and securing 28 parliamentary seats.

In Strasburg, preparations are underway for the first session of the new European Parliament when the newly elected MEPs from the 27 member states come together for the first time. 

Outside, on the usually quiet Rue Lucien Febvre that leads up to the parliament building, French entrepreneurs are busily erecting “lait frappé” stalls among the patisseries and boulangeries. 

“I do not understand your English political system with your Brexit, your first past the post, and your Boris Johnson,” says Monsieur Jannsens.

“Of course the throwing of eggs is prohibited by EU health and safety laws.

“But a milkshake thrown is a milkshake sold, so we will welcome this Brexit Party to Europe.”