The Post Truth Post

EU milkshake vendors prepare for the arrival of new MEPs

Members of the Federation of European Milkshake Vendors say they will be ready to meet the expected increase in demand for milky drinks when the newly elected MEPs arrive later this week.

Federation chair Leenaert Janssens says his members have been following events in the UK and will increase the supply of large and extra large milkshakes in the three cities that host The European Parliament.

In the lead up to the European Parliamentary election, Nigel Farage and other Brexit Party candidates were subjected to a number of viscous milkshake attacks while on the campaign trail.

News coverage of the lactose saturated Brexiteers resulted in a spike in milkshake sales in the UK; a trend that European suppliers are now keen to cash in on.

Despite the scent of stale milk, tweed, and too many right-wing meetings, the Brexit Party topped the polls in the UK receiving 31.6% of the vote and securing 28 parliamentary seats.

In Strasburg, preparations are underway for the first session of the new European Parliament when the newly elected MEPs from the 27 member states come together for the first time. 

Outside, on the usually quiet Rue Lucien Febvre that leads up to the parliament building, French entrepreneurs are busily erecting “lait frappé” stalls among the patisseries and boulangeries. 

“I do not understand your English political system with your Brexit, your first past the post, and your Boris Johnson,” says Monsieur Jannsens.

“Of course the throwing of eggs is prohibited by EU health and safety laws.

“But a milkshake thrown is a milkshake sold, so we will welcome this Brexit Party to Europe.”

Tories and Labour lose more seats than the Titanic’s deckchair attendant

Nigel Farage looking smug

The Brexit Party was the clear winner in the UK’s European elections with the two traditional parties suffering losses on a scale that has previously only been enjoyed by investors in Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc.

Voters overwhelmingly held the Conservatives responsible for everything that they are in fact responsible for while slapping Labour for failing to score in an open goal for three years.

Nick Clegg’s appointment to Facebook appears to have given a boost to the Liberal Democrats with the “Bollocks to Brexit” party bagging a silver medal.

Plucky political startup, Change UK, remained positive despite not winning a single seat with Heidi Allen telling BBC 5 Live “yeah, we will probably join the Lib Dems next time round.”

Newspapers doubled in size this morning as each of the Conservative leadership hopefuls published opinion pieces on why their party’s failure was the fault of Theresa May, Europe, and one or more of the other eight contenders for the Tory throne.

Due to asparagus season, Jeremy Corbyn was busy on his allotment leaving it to his deputy, Tom Watson, to suggest that maybe now was the time for the Labour Party to have an opinion on Brexit. 

UKIP got a right kicking but were later heard mouthing off in the pub about how they got jumped but could “definitely ‘ave ‘um in a fair fight.”

Appearing on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage achieved a level of smugness that is sure to result in a new Guinness world record.

“I’ve been elected in an election that elects unelected bureaucrats and that definitely proves my point about Europe being undemocratic,” he told John Humphrys.